Many people respond to Howard's intrusiveness because it's the polite thing to do. But I also notice that some people want to find the nearest exit.
I have heard his story many times: He is a 75 year old cancer survivor and widower. He lost his wife to cancer several years ago and now lives on a very limited income. He has a girlfriend name Luz, a 50 year old divorcee with 2 kids.
He went to UCLA were he obtained a BS in Business. He's in the vitamin and supplement industry-that's what he's pitching to me today. I tell him it's a multi-level marketing scheme and he bristles at the thought.
I must confess, I cringe when I see Howard walking over to my table because I know he's going to launch in into a 10 minute summary of the Suzette Sommers book he's reading.
Howard has no clue how he can suck the life out of a conversation-he continues unabated. Some may call him a conversation vampire. I like Howard and don't want to be rude but I don't know exactly how to find an exit strategy.
During one of Howard's rants, my mind traveled back to grad school and I began to think of two guy's I read about-Joe and Harry.
Joe Luft and Harry Ingham were two psychologist's who studied personal interactions and self awareness. They developed what is called the Johari (Joe-Harry) window-a four paned "window" that divides self awareness into four categories-Open (Arena)-Blind Spot-Hidden (Facade) and Unknown (The window is illustrated at the bottom).
The window reveals knowledge about ourselves that we are consciously aware of. And it reveals knowledge that others have about us.
The four panes represent how aware the person is of their behavior, attitude, and interactions:
Open Pane: in this pane the person and others are consciously aware of their behavior, feelings and intentions. Conversation is marked by genuineness, empathy and mutuality. Kind of a nice give and take.
Blind Spot Pane: In this pane, the person is not aware of how he comes across. My friend Howard operates here. The Blind Spot pane is marked by a stiff, unnatural diatribe. The person may believe the exchange is going well without realizing that the other person is feeling put upon.
Hidden Pane: The person who engages others from this pane is aware of things about themselves but does not disclose it. This is appropriate when just meeting someone. Because if you blurt out your deep dark secrets too early-well that is TMI and will scare the other person off.
But the hidden pane can also be an unhealthy place to live. It's where we put on our masks. We hide our true intentions. A conversation in this pane manifests itself as pretentious, defensive and scripted. I don't want to expose my true self so therefore I pay a role. It's exhausting to engage others from this pane.
Unknown Pane: Information in this pane has not reached the conscious level. I may think that something is not clicking, but can't put my finger on it. Sometimes, while engaged in conversation, a thought may trigger an aha moment when information becomes conscious and I become aware.
Th bottom line is when we are in a conversation we move in and out of these four panes. My goal is to spend most of the time in the open pane where I will have a deep and meaningful interactions.
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