First Understand-Then be Understood

The 5th habit of Stephen Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" says "Seek first to understand then be understood." Our conversations would be more meaningful if we nurtured this habit.

Consider this common situation: Two people communicating and both want to be understood at the same time-so no one is understood. I walk away from this type of exchange unsatisfied and not really learning anything about you. Covey calls this interaction "dialogue of the deaf."

The way we communicate today, I can tell you, we are not suffering from a deficiency in "getting our point across." We prefer monologues to dialogues. Watch any of the reality shows and you'll see people obsessed with getting there point across.

But under this obsession of "attention seeking" and "self grandiosity" is a silent cry of people truly wanting to be understood. Underneath the narcissistic noise I hear the cry "please understand me." 

My natural inclination is to be understood first-then, if I have time, to understand you. So I've set out to reverse this "dialogue of the deaf" in my own interactions.

The first thing I needed to do was develop my listening skills-I mean to "actively listen" or as Carl Rogers would say  "to listen unconditionally with empathy." This is a type of "deep listening" which requires discipline.

It's not just the words I'm listening to, but the meaning behind the words. When I listen with empathy, I am trying to understand life as you see it-to walk in your shoes. And as I begin to listen this way, I start out by understanding your point of view-your experience.

To "understand first" opens up the conversation to a deeper and meaningful conversation. At first this approach feels unnatural but as you practice "empathic listening" you're conversations becomes deeper and more meaningful.

We all desire to be understood so give someone the gift of "understanding" in your next conversation.