Reflections on my Dad: The importance of self sacrifice

My dad recently passed away. And it’s only now that I’m finally learning the lessons from his life; much of which were on the subconscious level. Whether he or I knew it at the time, my dad was teaching me life lessons.

I’m highlighting these lessons in my next few blog posts (this is Life lesson #2).

The second lesson I learned is the importance of self sacrifice:

  

I learned from Dad what “self sacrifice” was:  simply put, self sacrifice means ‘to put others needs before your s.’

Much of what shaped my dad’s character came from his generation, his family’s influence and his Catholic upbringing, and ‘self sacrifice was a core value of his generation and his parents generation.  

It’s not that my dad was a Mother Theresa, far from it, but he truly believed that a husband and father should put his wife and families’ needs before his.   

The words “me or mine” seldom passed through my dad’s lips. He worked very hard and very long hours as an auto mechanic, with grease and gas up to his elbows, all day long.

He rarely missed work, but when vacation time came around, we would spend the entire vacation on a family road trip to Arizona or across the country to visit relatives back east.  His vacation was our vacation; he loved to spend his days away from work with the family.

My dad loved to bowl and he was pretty good at it. He was on several bowling leagues before we kids came along. When I was born, he stop going out every night and joined a bowling team that did not impact his time with Mom and his boy’s.

 ‘Self sacrifice’ seems so archaic in today’s ‘self absorbed’ culture. But it is a lesson that I both struggle with, and desire to make it my own ‘life value.’  

Reflections on my Dad: Actions speak louder than words

One week has passed since God has called my Dad home. And I’m sitting here at my favorite bagel place, surveying my dads’ life through pictures him and my mom, when they were young, poor and free.  

My Dad was not from the “let it all hang out” generation, so saying a few things about him would most likely embarrass him.

But it is only now, that I am finally learning the lessons from his life; much of which were on the subconscious level. Whether he or I knew it at the time, my dad was teaching me life lessons.

I want to highlight a few in the next few blog posts.

The first one is actions speak louder than words:

I learned from my dad that actions speak louder than words: My dad came from a generation where one is measured by what they do. And if your actions matched your words, you could be trusted.

He didn’t wear his emotions on his sleeves and was impatient with ‘too much drama.’ I’m certain he went through stress and anxiety, and had many a sleepless night, but he didn’t let us in on it. 

My dad pretty much kept his worries and concerns inside. We rarely got a glimpse into his emotional state when we were going through hard times. Some may say he bottled it up inside. But this was a time when there wasn’t a lot of psychoanalysis going on.  

My dad came from a generation where men were to put their ‘hands to the plow’ and be providers for their families; pillars of strength in times of storms. 

He believed you work hard, never ask for any handouts and be responsible for your actions; period!

“Don’t blame your misfortunes on anyone or complain about your lot in life, just work hard and get on with It.” my dad would say. He wanted our actions to speak for itself, without a lot of grandstanding or fuss.

3 Steps to peace when worry intrudes into my life

Worry creeps upon me slowly. It starts out with a small disturbing thought.  Or I read about the death of some well know person and then I notice my mind becomes tuned in to my own health.

Then I become increasingly aware of my physical symptoms. And my mind begins to wonder “what was that pain? What if it wasn’t a muscle pull? And on and on it goes.   

Anxiety certainly can do a number on the mind. But anxiety is part and parcel of being alive. All of us have “ultimate concerns” that we confront daily; things like death, isolation, meaningless and freedom.

‘Worry’ however is anxiety gone ‘bad.’ This type of anxiety becomes unhealthy when it intrudes into our daily thoughts and life.  

Recently death has become a conscious reality with my dad’s terminal illness; every day he lives, is a blessing that we can be with him one more day. So I am confronted with this human condition of mortality.  

But if left unchecked, anxiety turns to worry and worry turns to despair; one definition of worry is "an incessant goading to the point of despair."

In my past confrontation with worry, it traveled along a predictable path towards a severe anxious state. But in the last several years, I have been able to pull out before despair took root.

Below are 3 steps that have helped me decrease ‘worry’ recently. Maybe these can help you also if worry interferes with your daily life:  

1. Contemplate: Pick a comforting phrase, one of my favorites is “this too shall pass” and contemplate on it throughout the day. Write it on a post-it note and put it somewhere you can see it.

Or find a passage of scripture when worry intrudes your mind. I look up the words of Jesus on the subject of worry such as: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.                Each day has enough trouble of its own."

2. Laugh: Worry cannot coexist with laughter. Find a funny movie or visit with people you enjoy being around and can laugh with. Loosen the grip of worry by enjoying a funny moment, and soon worry will dissipate.

3. Roll with it:  Instead of trying to fight off the troubling thought, roll with it. Allow it to come, identify what it is and then let it go. The thought doesn't hang around long enough for worry to get a foot hold. It comes-I acknowledge it and it goes.

Worry robs all of us from living-fully in the moment. It robs me of my ‘presence’ in relationships, like my dad, who needs me during this time.

In times of worry or in times of happiness, moment by moment, peace can be ours. Just ask and receive.

What change looks like; moving beyond the status quo

My friend was baffled as to why her 20 year old daughter was avoiding getting her driver’s license.

“When I was 15, I couldn’t wait to drive; I would beg my parents to take me to an empty parking lot, so I could practice” my friend said.

Since the dawn of time, we have grappled with the question as to when, why and how people come to change their behavior, and why it seems some people don’t.

In my view, a person will consider to change when they are ready, willing and able. To some this may sound cliché, but experts who have studied change, have found that these three characteristics are present when a person chooses to break-with the status quo.

To be ready means I perceive change as a ‘priority.’ To be willing means that I perceive change as ‘important’ and when I am able, I feel confident to change.

Psychoanalyst Rollo May say’s “Change takes place when a person perceives the change is relevant to achieving or preserving something important.”

Change expert James Prochaska and other colleagues, constructed a path by which change takes place. This path takes a person through a series of steps away from resistance toward a commitment (see below)   

                         

The Transtheoretical Model of Behavior Change:

                         Precontemplation (Not Ready)

                         Contemplation (Getting Ready)

                         Preparation (Ready)           

                         Action        

                         Maintenance           

             

To be sure, no one goes through these steps smoothly, it’s more like three steps forward and two steps back. Change takes place in small steps.

Let’s say my friend’s daughter is in the precontemplation stage. At this stage, she is not ready to change and most likely will not do anything about getting her driver’s license (DL) within the next 6 months, so says Prochaska.

Now, let’s say she moves towards contemplation. It is at this point that she is considering the importance of driving and getting her license; she is ‘willing’ and will probably make some personal movement towards getting her DL within the next 6 months.

As my friend’s daughter considers the importance of getting the license, she sees it as a priority and will move to the preparation or ready stage. Most likely she will be going to the DMV within the month.

This may also be called the “tipping point.”  

By the time she reaches the action stage, she has already gone down to the DMV (within the last 6 months) and is moving forward by becoming familiar with driving full time.   

The maintenance stage is the point where the daughter has been driving with her license for more than 6 months and is strengthening her resolve to keep it going. She is beginning to feel confident (able) in her driving skills.

Change is all around us. It is fluid and invites us to jump on and move forward. But we will only get on board when we are ready, willing and able and not anytime sooner.  

When death comes knocking

My dad is not doing well. He is in the last stages of a disease that will take him soon. It is becoming clearer to me, how brief our life on this earth is. Life is like the fog; it envelopes us in the morning, and burns off by noon.

As I look through a 4^th story window in the hospital where my dad is being treated, I can see the town where he spent many healthy years as a young man, cutting his path in life.

And now, just a few miles away, he lies in this hospital bed at the end of that journey; one can say this is the ‘circle of life.’ As King Solomon says ‘Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever.’

I am also confronted with the notion that when my dad passes, the barrier between mortality and me is removed. And now I come face to face with my own death. Death has come knocking, not only for my dad, but for me, as I contemplate its purpose.

Existential Psychotherapist, Dr. Irvin Yalom says, “Death rumbles continuously under the surface, it is a dark unsettling presence at the rim of consciousness.”  

Death is a human ‘boundary’ that fences us in a world, that is temporal and transitory; a life where all things fade. We only have a brief time on this earth, and the ‘attachments’ I hold on to will burn-off like the fog.

So death is no longer an ‘academic question’ for me, it is here and real. I catch myself taking inventory of what really matters. I ask myself if the things I hold onto really mean much?

My mind flashes to the past resentments or anger at being wronged; all this comes into play when death comes knocking at the door. How much more should I throw those things off that tether me to this earth.

I am a Christian, and along with my dad we stand ‘in Christ’ and await the hope of eternal life. I completely understand ‘death’ has no power; I get that. But while I am here, on this earth right now, I am confronted with deaths’ finality on this side of heaven.   

We ‘believers’ sometimes miss ‘deaths’ lessons. It was easy to brush it aside-until now. Death is here; in my face, and now I understand who I am and my limitations. It is becoming clearer what really counts in this life, and what I can let go of.

With this lesson in mind, my faith is strengthened; not only in the knowledge that my dad will be in a better place, but while on this earth there are some things not worth being attached to.

When death comes knocking I will hold on to Faith-Hope and Love and from there, I will decide what really matters.  

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What have we become? A reflection on being human

From the time Cain murdered Abel in a jealous rage, history reveals to us that cruel and callous behavior are nothing new to humanity. Probably the only difference is that this cruelty is posted on YouTube.  

One day, in a crime-ridden, south Chicago neighborhood, a 17 year old boy was beaten ruthlessly by thugs wielding a 2 X 4. Another teen, being a Good Samaritan, jumped in to help. But from behind, he was cold cocked by one of the attackers, wielding the 2X4 board.

I watched this brutality on the news. It was captured by a camera phone. The video shows the teen being hit, and as he was he trying to walk away, he stumbled to the ground. While lying there, lifeless, a punk kicked him in the head. He died later that day of massive head injuries.

Afterwards, the news media was interviewing witnesses, and a grieving grandmother, visibly anguished, cried out “What have we become!?”

Watching this violent beat-down on the news, it generated a lot of anger inside me; anger at the ease, by which one human can mercilessly beat another.

But what really disturbed me, was the “kick in the head” of a helpless teen, lying lifeless on the ground. It has been a few years since this incident, but I can’t shake the image.

The absence of ‘humanity’ in this sadistic act exposed the demonic power of evil. An evil ‘act’ happens when ones ‘humanity’ is stripped from them.

And when this happens the person is no longer seen as an individual with dignity and worth. Instead the person becomes an object; an impersonal nameless, faceless ‘abstract.’

Although the above incident was a few years ago, the grandmother’s anguished question has become a starting point for me when I hear of such callous treatment of people, I ask myself: “what have we become?”

We have become a culture severely deficient of ‘humanity’ in our politics; in our discourse and in our actions towards others with a different point of view.

We divide one another up by race, class, sexual orientation, gender and religious beliefs, among other numerous classifications and hyphenated groups; an abstracted humanity.

And when we reduce people to a ‘pigment color’ or a financial status, we remove their humanity. The person becomes an object to be exploited and a ‘means’ to a political or ideological end.

What have we become?

We have become a culture without the knowledge of a holy, loving and just God. Instead we have built a Tower of Babel and declared ourselves god. Thereby we removed our humanity and replaced it with a false divinity.   

It’s time to return to earth and reclaim our humanity and treat others with the dignity and worth as fellow humans.

We can ask ourselves ‘What have we become? But a further question that could be our starting point is “What will we be?”

Will we live the 'Dream?': a tribute to Martin Luther King Jr.

"I have a dream, that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."  

~ Reverend Martin Luther King Jr.

On August 28^th 1963, Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. told us he had a dream; a dream that one day ‘ones race’ would not matter, and that we would live out the true meaning of our nations creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

Full speech here: http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/mlkihaveadream.htm

As we honor Martin Luther King Jrs’ 83rd birthday, I am contemplating his ‘prophetic dream’ and the creed, by which he called on us to ‘live out.’

If we truly ‘lived out’ this self evident truth, that all men (and women) are created equal, it would mean that ‘ones race’ would no longer be a measurement of a person’s dignity and worth. It would also mean that 'pigment,' does not give us, ‘rights;’ instead, our 'rights,' come from God.

The whole concept of ‘race,’ would be exposed as the fraud it is. 'Race' would be rendered insignificant, and of no use in the daily discourse of a free nation. This was the prophetic essence of Reverend King’s dream; the invalidation of ‘race’ as a measurement of a person’s worth.

Our generation has a responsibility to confront the great moral questions of our day. And the question of ‘race’ and its significance continues to be our cultures obsession; why?

There are two polar beliefs that are coursing its way through our cultures discourse; either ‘race’ matters, and is an essential part in measuring a persons’ worth, or ‘race does not matter, and is irrelevant to a person’s worth.

Martin Luther King Jr. waged his ‘civil rights’ moral fight against the belief that ‘race’ matters. At that time, the ‘white race’ mattered, and because it mattered, it was legitimized.

This legitimization, brought with it ominous manifestations, such as segregation; Jim Crow laws; a ‘racist’ narrative of white privilege and power, insidious ‘norms’ which engendered racism, and gave credence to this evil belief, that one’s ‘race’ deemed them superior or inferior.

When the civil rights laws were inked, in the blood of Martin Luther King Jr., and millions of other non-violent warriors, this fraudulent belief was reckoned illegitimate.

But this belief did not die; the fight continues today.   

If our generation continues down this ‘archaic and in-humane path, that ‘race matters,’ then we will be threatened with its odious manifestations; such as 'racist identity groups ;' accusations of racism; the ‘race card, and a constant drip-drip-drip of racial fixation, in every social and political conversation; which leads to ‘race fatigue.’

But if our starting point is that ‘race’ does not matter, then we will come to see it for what it truly is; that ‘race’ is a social and political construct, used to exploit one group of people over another.

Our choice will determine what kind of people we will be. We will either be a people of the ‘dream’ and carry on Reverend King’s legacy, which is to ‘live out’ the self evident truth, that all people are created equal. 

Or we will be a ‘race obsessed’ people where some people are more equal than others, depending on our pigment.


Will we live the dream and be free or we will die in our race obsessed nightmare.