Reflections on my Dad: Actions speak louder than words

One week has passed since God has called my Dad home. And I’m sitting here at my favorite bagel place, surveying my dads’ life through pictures him and my mom, when they were young, poor and free.  

My Dad was not from the “let it all hang out” generation, so saying a few things about him would most likely embarrass him.

But it is only now, that I am finally learning the lessons from his life; much of which were on the subconscious level. Whether he or I knew it at the time, my dad was teaching me life lessons.

I want to highlight a few in the next few blog posts.

The first one is actions speak louder than words:

I learned from my dad that actions speak louder than words: My dad came from a generation where one is measured by what they do. And if your actions matched your words, you could be trusted.

He didn’t wear his emotions on his sleeves and was impatient with ‘too much drama.’ I’m certain he went through stress and anxiety, and had many a sleepless night, but he didn’t let us in on it. 

My dad pretty much kept his worries and concerns inside. We rarely got a glimpse into his emotional state when we were going through hard times. Some may say he bottled it up inside. But this was a time when there wasn’t a lot of psychoanalysis going on.  

My dad came from a generation where men were to put their ‘hands to the plow’ and be providers for their families; pillars of strength in times of storms. 

He believed you work hard, never ask for any handouts and be responsible for your actions; period!

“Don’t blame your misfortunes on anyone or complain about your lot in life, just work hard and get on with It.” my dad would say. He wanted our actions to speak for itself, without a lot of grandstanding or fuss.

3 Steps to peace when worry intrudes into my life

Worry creeps upon me slowly. It starts out with a small disturbing thought.  Or I read about the death of some well know person and then I notice my mind becomes tuned in to my own health.

Then I become increasingly aware of my physical symptoms. And my mind begins to wonder “what was that pain? What if it wasn’t a muscle pull? And on and on it goes.   

Anxiety certainly can do a number on the mind. But anxiety is part and parcel of being alive. All of us have “ultimate concerns” that we confront daily; things like death, isolation, meaningless and freedom.

‘Worry’ however is anxiety gone ‘bad.’ This type of anxiety becomes unhealthy when it intrudes into our daily thoughts and life.  

Recently death has become a conscious reality with my dad’s terminal illness; every day he lives, is a blessing that we can be with him one more day. So I am confronted with this human condition of mortality.  

But if left unchecked, anxiety turns to worry and worry turns to despair; one definition of worry is "an incessant goading to the point of despair."

In my past confrontation with worry, it traveled along a predictable path towards a severe anxious state. But in the last several years, I have been able to pull out before despair took root.

Below are 3 steps that have helped me decrease ‘worry’ recently. Maybe these can help you also if worry interferes with your daily life:  

1. Contemplate: Pick a comforting phrase, one of my favorites is “this too shall pass” and contemplate on it throughout the day. Write it on a post-it note and put it somewhere you can see it.

Or find a passage of scripture when worry intrudes your mind. I look up the words of Jesus on the subject of worry such as: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.                Each day has enough trouble of its own."

2. Laugh: Worry cannot coexist with laughter. Find a funny movie or visit with people you enjoy being around and can laugh with. Loosen the grip of worry by enjoying a funny moment, and soon worry will dissipate.

3. Roll with it:  Instead of trying to fight off the troubling thought, roll with it. Allow it to come, identify what it is and then let it go. The thought doesn't hang around long enough for worry to get a foot hold. It comes-I acknowledge it and it goes.

Worry robs all of us from living-fully in the moment. It robs me of my ‘presence’ in relationships, like my dad, who needs me during this time.

In times of worry or in times of happiness, moment by moment, peace can be ours. Just ask and receive.

The Power of Self Awareness

I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a store window and…WHOA. I was troubled by what I saw-my walk, my weight and my poor fashion choice. Who I thought I was and who I was, didn't match. Something went wrong in the reflection. I experienced a moment of self awareness and didn't like it-but I needed it.

Of course, a reflection only shows the outside and cannot show what's inside. But truth be told, I form a picture of myself on the inside based on my values and the standards of what I think a man my age should be like-I compare myself to others.

The perception is shallow and could be flawed. But if I look deeper into myself, I see what forms my character-the person I really am. Moments of self awareness do not change me from the outside-although a different shirt would have helped. Self awareness examines the deep parts of my character and that is where change and maturity happen.

Self awareness separates "myself" from my "perceived self" and I take an objective look at who I really am. I examine my motives, values and standards that I use to compare myself to others. I soon find out that either my values were out of sync or my perception of me was.

A conflict occurs when the two do not match. That moment I saw the reflection, I knew something was out of sync and self awareness brought me back in sync with my values. Practicing self awareness aligns your perceptions with your values.

I could spend a lot of time wondering how others see me but what is most important and where I begin is "how I see me." My reputation is how others see me but my character defines the real me. When reputation and character come together they form the genuine self. And Self awareness brings me closer to my character.

Abraham Lincoln once said: "Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing." Self awareness follows the shadow to the tree.