When death comes knocking

My dad is not doing well. He is in the last stages of a disease that will take him soon. It is becoming clearer to me, how brief our life on this earth is. Life is like the fog; it envelopes us in the morning, and burns off by noon.

As I look through a 4^th story window in the hospital where my dad is being treated, I can see the town where he spent many healthy years as a young man, cutting his path in life.

And now, just a few miles away, he lies in this hospital bed at the end of that journey; one can say this is the ‘circle of life.’ As King Solomon says ‘Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever.’

I am also confronted with the notion that when my dad passes, the barrier between mortality and me is removed. And now I come face to face with my own death. Death has come knocking, not only for my dad, but for me, as I contemplate its purpose.

Existential Psychotherapist, Dr. Irvin Yalom says, “Death rumbles continuously under the surface, it is a dark unsettling presence at the rim of consciousness.”  

Death is a human ‘boundary’ that fences us in a world, that is temporal and transitory; a life where all things fade. We only have a brief time on this earth, and the ‘attachments’ I hold on to will burn-off like the fog.

So death is no longer an ‘academic question’ for me, it is here and real. I catch myself taking inventory of what really matters. I ask myself if the things I hold onto really mean much?

My mind flashes to the past resentments or anger at being wronged; all this comes into play when death comes knocking at the door. How much more should I throw those things off that tether me to this earth.

I am a Christian, and along with my dad we stand ‘in Christ’ and await the hope of eternal life. I completely understand ‘death’ has no power; I get that. But while I am here, on this earth right now, I am confronted with deaths’ finality on this side of heaven.   

We ‘believers’ sometimes miss ‘deaths’ lessons. It was easy to brush it aside-until now. Death is here; in my face, and now I understand who I am and my limitations. It is becoming clearer what really counts in this life, and what I can let go of.

With this lesson in mind, my faith is strengthened; not only in the knowledge that my dad will be in a better place, but while on this earth there are some things not worth being attached to.

When death comes knocking I will hold on to Faith-Hope and Love and from there, I will decide what really matters.  

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7 “continuing resolutions” for 2012

Pic by Jannoon 028

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits. ~ Anonymous

2011 is coming to an end, and I will NOT be making any new resolutions. Instead, I have to work on the old ones I have yet to master. I figure if politicians can have ‘continuing resolutions,’ so can I.  

 I’m reading a book by Psychologist, Irvin D Yalom; Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Terror of Death.

In the book, Yalom discusses Schopenhauer’s concept of “eternal return;” in which he poses this question: Suppose a person could live their entire life again and again, ad infinitum; would they live it differently? Can the person say they have lived a full life? Etc…

So this New Year, I’m posing this question to my own life and asking; ‘If I was to live 2011 all over again, would I change anything? Or was it a year well lived?

Over the past several years, I have been working on certain ‘life themes’ to better myself and to live a full life. Below, I have prioritized 7 of them that I continue to master. I’m bringing these 7 ‘continuing resolutions’ into the New Year and they are:

Live graciously: I will be gracious to people who irritate me; especially the drivers who cut me off or don’t let me merge, on my morning commute. And for the rude and discourteous people I come into contact with.  I’ll make it a point not let the person’s actions poison my mood; I’ll let it go, smile and move on.

Connect with curiosity: I will make connections with old friends and make new acquaintances. I will foster curiosity and learn something new about them; even people I have known along time. This year I will make connections with people, not because I have to but because I want to.  In this way, our time together will be meaningful and one of genuine care and curiosity.  

Lighten up: I will decrease listening to news and talk radio and spend time living in the moment. I’ll listen to music or sports or comedy shows. I will spend more time with people who don’t take life so seriously, and are not angry ideologues. I will not be hanging out with folks who are occupying Wall Street or any other street for that matter.   

Listen more and talk less: I will listen more and talk less. I will do this by practicing ‘empathic listening.’ I will begin with my boys, and understand their hopes and dreams, without imposing my dreams on them. I will empathically listen to people who have a different point of view, and see life through their eyes.

Laugh more: We all need to chill out and laugh more; I will find ways to laugh more this year; whether through movies, TV shows or just sharing laughter with others.

Attend church and actually learn: I will listen to my pastor’s sermons and actually learn from him, instead of critiquing what he says. I will turn off my ‘pastor/teacher’ default button, and become an active learner. I will enjoy the fellowship of my faith community and get to know my brothers and sisters in church.

The Power of Forgiveness

Bitterness is "poison of the soul" which confines a person to a continual cycle of pain and misery. Bitterness robs me of joy. I've seen the face of bitterness-the empty eyes that point to an empty soul. Bitterness is the "slow burn" of resentment that has metastasized.

{Material from this post is drawn from the work of Lewis Smedes, Professor/Author; Fuller Theological Seminary and his great book on the topic "Forgive and Forget"}

Is there freedom from this misery? Yes there is through the act of Forgiving.

Forgiveness is "soul surgery" for the deepest of wounds. The "wounds" that need forgiveness are pervasive and invade my daily life-a life in which I become obsessed with the hurt-the hate and the incessant fantasy to strike back. This is the hurt that nurtures bitterness and it is the pain that turns to poison. The only antidote for the poison of bitterness is forgiveness. The red flag of a bitter heart is resentment.

Resentment is where I "play back" in my mind the incident and relive pain all over again-it becomes a continuous loop that goes like this: memory-hurt-hate-revenge. The actual incident is long gone but the memory is alive and continues to deliver its "kick in the gut". Resentment metastasizes into bitterness. Forgiveness stops the spread-removes the pain and set's us free.

Forgiveness doesn't get the person who hurt me "off the hook"-forgiveness get's me "off the hook"-the hook of bitterness. It's no wonder that Jesus tells us to forgive one another-He is the great surgeon of the soul- He knows that bitterness brings death and forgiveness brings life-forgiveness is cool water to a dry and parched soul. Forgiving is an act of the will-it is hard work but it is "soul work".

As I actively forgive, something inside me awakens as I am being released from the pain. At the same time it frees me from the urge to condemn and bring vengeance to the one who hurt me. While I am being released, the person who hurt me is being released simultaneously from my "mental" prison. When forgiveness has taken hold, a heavy weight is lifted from me-I have a new perspective of the past hurt-I may remember the incident but no longer feel the pain. The anger and rage towards the person slowly turns into pity or we have no more ill will towards them.

And although forgiveness is not dependent on reconciliation, it can begin the healing of a broken relationship-give it a new start. Forgiveness is redemptive. Don't be discouraged if it takes a while, forgiveness is a transformative journey towards a healthy soul. It comes with some scrapes along the way but it is worth it. One day you wake up and your joy has returned. Forgiveness is your freedom.

A Temper Tantrum at Target

We expect a two year old to have a temper-tantrum-sometimes we call this age the 'terrible twos'. But a two year old grows up and grows out of tantrums-right? Well, most do but some don't, and they become 22, 32 or 42 year old tantrums-not a pretty sight. My friend Tammy was the victim of a full blown-adult 'temper tantrum' at a Target store parking lot.

It started when an 'adult' lady (and I use that term loosely) pulled up behind my friend with her blinker on, which indicates she spotted the open parking space first. When Tammy saw the ladies blinker on, she gave her preference-which of course is the unspoken rule-no problem so far. Then Tammy saw a spot next to the lady open up, so she turned on her blinker, for that one.

Once Tammy hit the blinker-the lady hit the roof-she went from zero to ugly. It turned into a 'Jerry Springer incident'. The lady accelerated her tantrum from honking the horn-to swinging a purse-to spitting in Tammy's face. The entire freak show was witnessed by the ladies 12 year old daughter, who sat in the passenger seat, head down covering her face. The 12 year became the adult and apologized to Tammy for her mother's behavior. It's too bad the 12 year old wasn't the one driving and her mom in a child "car seat". Why are we observing so many Adult temper tantrums lately?

I don't believe we are worse off now than any other time in history-but let's face it-civility is taking a hit-adults are near the boiling point which sometimes spills over. Recently a Congressman, a Hip Hop star and Tennis pro were unable to keep it together and they hit the ugly button. There may be many causes, but it all boils down to self control-the ability to govern our emotions.

There are two competing urges we fight daily, one is an infantile need "to be taken care of" and the other is a desire to be 'responsible for ourselves'-the first one makes no demands-the latter one demands responsibility. The first one breeds entitlement-the latter one breed's autonomy. If we don't govern ourselves-we will be governed. The lady at Target chose to be governed by her emotions.