The Power of Self Awareness

I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a store window and…WHOA. I was troubled by what I saw-my walk, my weight and my poor fashion choice. Who I thought I was and who I was, didn't match. Something went wrong in the reflection. I experienced a moment of self awareness and didn't like it-but I needed it.

Of course, a reflection only shows the outside and cannot show what's inside. But truth be told, I form a picture of myself on the inside based on my values and the standards of what I think a man my age should be like-I compare myself to others.

The perception is shallow and could be flawed. But if I look deeper into myself, I see what forms my character-the person I really am. Moments of self awareness do not change me from the outside-although a different shirt would have helped. Self awareness examines the deep parts of my character and that is where change and maturity happen.

Self awareness separates "myself" from my "perceived self" and I take an objective look at who I really am. I examine my motives, values and standards that I use to compare myself to others. I soon find out that either my values were out of sync or my perception of me was.

A conflict occurs when the two do not match. That moment I saw the reflection, I knew something was out of sync and self awareness brought me back in sync with my values. Practicing self awareness aligns your perceptions with your values.

I could spend a lot of time wondering how others see me but what is most important and where I begin is "how I see me." My reputation is how others see me but my character defines the real me. When reputation and character come together they form the genuine self. And Self awareness brings me closer to my character.

Abraham Lincoln once said: "Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing." Self awareness follows the shadow to the tree.

Slinging the Slurs

In every age the vilest specimens of human nature are to be found among demagogues ~ Thomas Babington Macaulay (1800-1859)

Whether it's the "Ground Zero" Mosque, or the Arizona Law or Gay Marriage, I've got to tip my hat to the demagogues-they sure know how to sling the slurs. I step back and admire the breathtaking speed by which a "smear" is flung with reckless abandon. Demagogues have no sense of humor-they really need to lighten up.

Demagogues wish to "shut you up" if you dissent from their narrative. Demagoguery silences the "opposing voices" by intimidating them with smears and lies. Political Correctness is an insidious form of demagoguery in the guise of "speech codes."

The current "soupe de jour" of smears can be found in Columnist, Dennis Prager's acronym: SIX HIRB-"Sexist, Intolerant, Xenophobe, Homophobes, Islamaphobes, Racist, and Bigot." All these cards are currently played by the demagogue for the sole purpose to shut down dissent-period.
 
A friend, who I respect and disagree with on some of these issues, was engaged in a thoughtful conversation, which went well. Why, because I consider my friend a decent person who I respect. I was more interested in her perspective than winning the debate. We sought clarity over agreement. I disagreed but respected my friend's "take" on the issues.

Free expression thrives in an atmosphere of decency and respect. Decency and respect for the others opinion creates an atmosphere where I could speak freely without fear of being demonized or dismissed. If we are not free to express opposing views-we are not free. Demagoguery poisons the well of free and open speech and has no place in the national dialogue.

But back to my friend and me-we're not ideologues even though we have passion in what we believe. Our friendship and desire to understand one another is more important than to win the debate or silence the other with a smear.

On a personal level, in everyday life, thousands of these "coffee table" conversations go on all the time. We may disagree with friends but we don't want to silence them with smears. If we can promote this "coffee table" conversation to the "national level, we will be able to have a conscientious, decent and respectful discussion on all these important issues. The only voice that needs to be silenced is that of the demagogue.

A Married Man among his Female Friends

I eat lunch at an outdoor mall and walk around before going back to work. I notice coworkers eating together. But sometimes I see a man and a woman sitting at a table and get the feeling they're married-but not to each other. To me, this encounter seems "out of place" as I notice the awkward glances and nervous flirting. I told my friend Jeff about my observation and he knew exactly what I was talking about. "It's a married man acting single" he tells me.

I love my wife and count myself lucky to have female friends-I can do both-like walking and chewing gum. But there are certain limitations to these friendships. I constantly remind myself of the differences. I have developed a "zone of discretion" so I can navigate the enjoyable company of my female friends while not compromising my integrity.

My zone is built on these principles:

• I start off with this thought: "Would I act the same way around my wife as I do my female friends?"
  
• I keep pictures of my wife and kids in my office as a visual reminder of where my priorities are.
  
• I make it a practice to go out to lunch as a group with my female friends.
  
• I become aware of feelings of attractions and keep them in check. I starve these feelings by acknowledging they exist but do not respond to them.
  
• I keep in mind what I would lose if I slip up: like the love and respect from my wife and three boys; my witness as a man of faith, among many other things.
  

Having female friends has enriched my life and actually made me a better husband and a man of integrity. But in order for this to happen, a zone of discretion has to be built and cultivated daily.

People with Chips

People who have a "chip on the shoulder" annoy me. They're not much fun to hang with. Every encounter seems to be problematic. You can easily spot a person with a chip. They're the ones who are easily offended; hypersensitive; defensive and judgmental.

They seem angry most of the time and they have this certain condescending "air of superiority" attitude over you. A lot of people with chips are obsessed with politics-Left and Right. They bottom feed on the ideological extremes. I know, I know, not all those who are politically involved have chips. I mean, after all, "Some of my best friends are 'political junkies'" on both sides.

I'm talking about folks like "the purveyors of political correctness" now they have big chips. They possess this "vulgar urge" to make moral pronouncements and assign evil intentions to those who disagree with them. I'm also talking about the people with chips in our churches that are quick to moralize and bring condemnation on the "spiritual inferior." For these people, I have nothing but disdain for.

But most people with chips are deeply insecure and they find some meaning from their "chip"-I did. I walked around for years with a chip on my shoulder. I lashed out on a world that I thought had "wronged me." I was angry and had no direction-until I turned 19. That's when a new life began-I accepted Jesus into my life.

I want to say my chip miraculously fell off right then-but it didn't. Something did happen though. I began to see the chip as an open wound that had yet to heal. It appeared the further I walked along my faith journey, God's grace was becoming larger and my chip was becoming smaller. It's not over but there are signs of "chip shrinkage."

One sign is my priorities have changed-like the relevance of politics in my life. I was once a "winger" and politics and my faith became blurred. After a while I began to realize politics was informing my faith and not the other way around. Today one of the best compliments I could receive from someone would be for them to say "I don't know much about his politics, but I know he's a man of God."

When chips become smaller-life becomes larger. There is a certain freedom you feel when your chip is no longer weighing you down.

A Man of Character: John Wooden R.I.P

October 14, 1910 to June 4, 2010
"They don't make em like Coach Wooden anymore." A giant of a man left the court of life, four months prior to reaching the century mark (October 14, 1910 to June 4, 2010).

God brought him off the bench to play on his starting team. John Wooden-the Wizard of Westwood-built one of the greatest sport dynasty's of our era at UCLA. The UCLA basketball program was the benchmark of excellence.

Considered one of the greatest coaches of any sport and a master tactician of the game, his lasting influence, however, will be felt off the court and in life. He taught us all about character. He once said "Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Because your character is really who you are and your reputation is who people think you are." He had a love for the kids he coached. Bill Walton said "he was a friend first and then a coach."

He taught his players to love and respect the game by practicing humility, teamwork and love. We may laugh at such "arcane" values today-especially when we observe the current "sports culture" marked by self indulgence, materialism and vanity. Yet Basketball, as with most of our entertainment today, only mirrors the culture at large.

All is not lost however, because the Wizard of Westwood influenced hundreds of people on and off the basketball court who carry on the culture of character by living a life of humility, teamwork and love. His influence will live on. I think we all can benefit from Coach Wooden's life in his words and his deeds. We will miss the coach but we can be reminded daily by the many truisms he gave such as "Talent is God given; be humble. Fame is man given; be thankful. Conceit is self given; be careful,"

Coach John Wooden R.I.P

What? Me Worry? Yep

I worry a lot. But in recent years I've been able to find my footing. Yet worry still lingers in the dark corners of my mind. Two months ago, I became re-acquainted with my old friend. I was jolted out of my sleep with burning chest pain, unable to catch my breath and couldn't swallow. I thought "WOW, this is THE BIG ONE" as Fred Sanford told his son Lamont in the TV show "Sanford and Son."

It wasn't the big one. The crazy thing is, I've never had the "Big One". Over the years the "Big One" has never come. But worry doesn't care about facts. So the thoughts of what happened that night kept my mind on a DEFCON 5-high alert. I found myself mentally scanning for an abnormal signs in my body. Shortness of breath, heartburn and a lump in throat, all became threats.

One definition of worry is "an incessant goading to the point of despair." For me, this goading moves along a predictable pattern. Troubling thoughts turn to fear and fear turns to anxiety and anxiety turns to research on WebMD. But this time I recognized the journey towards despair and pulled out. In the past, I would've jumped on the internet and read up on GERD and barium swallows. Worry is like rust-it eats away at my peace of mind.

Life is a series of moving moments and worry robbed me of living fully in the moment. So I changed the pattern: when the troubling thought comes, I don't fight it, I allow it to come, identify what it is and then let it go. The thought doesn't hang around long enough for worry to get a foot hold. It comes-I acknowledge it and it goes.

I also reconnected the comforting words of Jesus: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Peace removes worry from the moment. And the peace that Jesus gives us is a peace that passes all understanding. In times of worry or in times of happiness, moment by moment, peace can be ours. Just ask and receive.

Today, what's your worry?

A Bad Case of the “If Only’s”

How many "If Only's" go round n round in your head? If Only's can be reflections we think about and then move on. Or they can be regrets that anchor us in the past. Reality has a way of crashing into my if only's and leads me in a different direction. There is one "if only" I have that creeps up now and then.

It began when I graduated from High School. I was only 17 at the time. My friend John and I were to enlist in the Navy together-on the buddy system. He was 18 and ready to be shipped off. But I needed to have my parents' signatures and after much back and forth with the folks, they didn't sign the papers. John sailed off and I stayed home-shipped wrecked.

This "if only" pops up with friends who were in the military and are now in a second career with military benefits to fall back on. So round n round it goes: "If only I went into the Navy at 17." But it didn't happen. And If I hang on to that regret, it will turn into resentment and keep me anchored in port-not being able to move on.

The if only's that are hard to swallow are the mistakes we made-Or the risks we took that fell through-Or the marriage we messed up. The poison of guilt and anger spills over into our conversations and daily lives-my life becomes tainted. I view all things through the dark lens of "if only."

My friend's mom passed away from a massive heart attack while she was standing over the kitchen sink washing dishes-in one moment she was gone. That morning my friend had an argument over the phone with her mom. Things didn't go well, in what was to be the last conversation they had. My friend mulls this if only over in her head constantly-"If only I could have told her I loved her" she says regretfully. I can only imagine my friends pain-one conversation that goes round and round in her head and keeps her in a perpetual state of "If Only."

Not now, but in time, and walking in forgiveness, my friend will come to understand that one conversation does not make a lifelong-loving relationship she had with her mom. That one conversation most likely was repeated a hundred times in their relationship-it just happened to be the last. That's a tough one. Life is unpredictable and the "if only's" are temporary places we visit and reflect but then move on and eventually we do.