A Bad Case of the “If Only’s”

How many "If Only's" go round n round in your head? If Only's can be reflections we think about and then move on. Or they can be regrets that anchor us in the past. Reality has a way of crashing into my if only's and leads me in a different direction. There is one "if only" I have that creeps up now and then.

It began when I graduated from High School. I was only 17 at the time. My friend John and I were to enlist in the Navy together-on the buddy system. He was 18 and ready to be shipped off. But I needed to have my parents' signatures and after much back and forth with the folks, they didn't sign the papers. John sailed off and I stayed home-shipped wrecked.

This "if only" pops up with friends who were in the military and are now in a second career with military benefits to fall back on. So round n round it goes: "If only I went into the Navy at 17." But it didn't happen. And If I hang on to that regret, it will turn into resentment and keep me anchored in port-not being able to move on.

The if only's that are hard to swallow are the mistakes we made-Or the risks we took that fell through-Or the marriage we messed up. The poison of guilt and anger spills over into our conversations and daily lives-my life becomes tainted. I view all things through the dark lens of "if only."

My friend's mom passed away from a massive heart attack while she was standing over the kitchen sink washing dishes-in one moment she was gone. That morning my friend had an argument over the phone with her mom. Things didn't go well, in what was to be the last conversation they had. My friend mulls this if only over in her head constantly-"If only I could have told her I loved her" she says regretfully. I can only imagine my friends pain-one conversation that goes round and round in her head and keeps her in a perpetual state of "If Only."

Not now, but in time, and walking in forgiveness, my friend will come to understand that one conversation does not make a lifelong-loving relationship she had with her mom. That one conversation most likely was repeated a hundred times in their relationship-it just happened to be the last. That's a tough one. Life is unpredictable and the "if only's" are temporary places we visit and reflect but then move on and eventually we do.

The Power of Forgiveness

Bitterness is "poison of the soul" which confines a person to a continual cycle of pain and misery. Bitterness robs me of joy. I've seen the face of bitterness-the empty eyes that point to an empty soul. Bitterness is the "slow burn" of resentment that has metastasized.

{Material from this post is drawn from the work of Lewis Smedes, Professor/Author; Fuller Theological Seminary and his great book on the topic "Forgive and Forget"}

Is there freedom from this misery? Yes there is through the act of Forgiving.

Forgiveness is "soul surgery" for the deepest of wounds. The "wounds" that need forgiveness are pervasive and invade my daily life-a life in which I become obsessed with the hurt-the hate and the incessant fantasy to strike back. This is the hurt that nurtures bitterness and it is the pain that turns to poison. The only antidote for the poison of bitterness is forgiveness. The red flag of a bitter heart is resentment.

Resentment is where I "play back" in my mind the incident and relive pain all over again-it becomes a continuous loop that goes like this: memory-hurt-hate-revenge. The actual incident is long gone but the memory is alive and continues to deliver its "kick in the gut". Resentment metastasizes into bitterness. Forgiveness stops the spread-removes the pain and set's us free.

Forgiveness doesn't get the person who hurt me "off the hook"-forgiveness get's me "off the hook"-the hook of bitterness. It's no wonder that Jesus tells us to forgive one another-He is the great surgeon of the soul- He knows that bitterness brings death and forgiveness brings life-forgiveness is cool water to a dry and parched soul. Forgiving is an act of the will-it is hard work but it is "soul work".

As I actively forgive, something inside me awakens as I am being released from the pain. At the same time it frees me from the urge to condemn and bring vengeance to the one who hurt me. While I am being released, the person who hurt me is being released simultaneously from my "mental" prison. When forgiveness has taken hold, a heavy weight is lifted from me-I have a new perspective of the past hurt-I may remember the incident but no longer feel the pain. The anger and rage towards the person slowly turns into pity or we have no more ill will towards them.

And although forgiveness is not dependent on reconciliation, it can begin the healing of a broken relationship-give it a new start. Forgiveness is redemptive. Don't be discouraged if it takes a while, forgiveness is a transformative journey towards a healthy soul. It comes with some scrapes along the way but it is worth it. One day you wake up and your joy has returned. Forgiveness is your freedom.