A Thanksgiving “Gratitude Adjustment”

Thanksgiving is a time to appreciate the things we have and not demand the things we don't. For one moment, can we stop long enough and give thanks? Gratitude will help us get back on track. Gratitude is on the "endangered virtue list." I'm calling for Gratitude Adjustment this Thanksgiving. When I allow gratitude to work its way in my heart-an adjustment takes place to the way I respond to life's trials and joy's-I begin to appreciate the things I have.

The philosopher Cicero said "Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others". Gratitude is a virtue and a virtue is a Habit of the Heart. We choose what we allow to marinate in our hearts. Below are three gratitude adjustments we can pursue this thanksgiving:

Gratitude frees us from worry: Worry is a powerful emotion that intrudes my present state of mind. When I worry I cannot accept what is, instead I worry about what will be. Gratitude brings me back to the present-accepting what is. It's difficult to worry and appreciate at the same time.

Gratitude removes the insatiable need of demanding "my rights". It's hard to demand and appreciate at the same time. The more I appreciate-the less I demand. There is no guarantee I will wake up tomorrow. Life is a gift from a loving God and the rights I have are given to me by Him. That's my starting point. Some people I know put their trust in politics or other things for their well being. It seems to me they spend a lot of emotional energy being angry about life's unfairness-ironically some of them blame it on a God they do not believe in.

Gratitude cracks the illusions I created about life and brings my expectations back down to earth: "Reality Bites" as the saying goes and when I don't like reality-I create my own. If I live in an illusion-I hold un-realistic expectations to fit this world. And these self-deluded expectations don't match with reality; therefore they can never be met so I become disappointed. Gratitude brings me and my expectations back down to earth. When my expectations match reality I appreciate what I have. I cannot be disappointed and appreciate at the same time.

I admit, I need a "gratitude adjustment" sometimes as I am pulled into a culture that emphasizes the "what's-in-it-for-me" attitude. So this thanksgiving let's all stop for a moment and be grateful for what we have and allow gratitude to soak through our soul and see how appreciation will replace all our self centered attitudes.

Turning 50

I'm at Starbucks listening to Todd Rundgren's "Hello It's Me" on my iTunes-a retro song on a new gadget. I've been in this "time warp" lately. My mind is being transported back to the days of my youth. You see I turned 50 a few days ago and I'm trying to wrap my head around it. Am I getting old or am I getting older? "Older" I can live with, but "Old" sounds, well-Old.

Turning 50 for a Man today has its challenges. Men need to have a purpose. Turning 50 in a young man's world gives me pause. I'm not whining and I refuse to be a victim. Turning 50 has its advantages and I still enjoy hanging out with my younger friends. But I began to notice some changes in the way I thought about my future, my life and my manhood. I noticed that the ambitions I had at 30 were no longer relevant at 50. When I was 30, I wanted to climb the corporate ladder. But at 50 I'm climbing down that ladder. When I was 30, the race was before me-at 50 the finish line is before me. It's time to pass the baton-which is my legacy.

My friend Perry said "turning 50 is like sitting on a mountain peak, where you could look in the distance 30 years and see 80. Then turn and look 30 years behind you and see 20". 50 is the equi-center and I am now entering the second half. My task is to find a balance between feeling like a 25 year old and not acting like one.

There's a difference between being Cool and being Creepy. I can enjoy the company of my young friends without trying desperately to be like them. I use the "cool and creepy" test for most my interactions, like what I put on my Facebook status, to how I talk to a young lady.

The other thing I began to notice was, the things that bothered me in the past were no longer the "pebble in my shoe" today. I asked myself if the regrets and unresolved issues of my past are really worth carrying into the next phase. I could see the finish line. I want to finish the race without out that old baggage weighing me down.

Turning 50 is a gateway to the next phase of life and I'm going into it without the hang-ups of the past. Turning 50 helped me clarify what is most important in life and that is My Faith-My Family and My Friends.

Turning 50 is cool.

The Power of Forgiveness

Bitterness is "poison of the soul" which confines a person to a continual cycle of pain and misery. Bitterness robs me of joy. I've seen the face of bitterness-the empty eyes that point to an empty soul. Bitterness is the "slow burn" of resentment that has metastasized.

{Material from this post is drawn from the work of Lewis Smedes, Professor/Author; Fuller Theological Seminary and his great book on the topic "Forgive and Forget"}

Is there freedom from this misery? Yes there is through the act of Forgiving.

Forgiveness is "soul surgery" for the deepest of wounds. The "wounds" that need forgiveness are pervasive and invade my daily life-a life in which I become obsessed with the hurt-the hate and the incessant fantasy to strike back. This is the hurt that nurtures bitterness and it is the pain that turns to poison. The only antidote for the poison of bitterness is forgiveness. The red flag of a bitter heart is resentment.

Resentment is where I "play back" in my mind the incident and relive pain all over again-it becomes a continuous loop that goes like this: memory-hurt-hate-revenge. The actual incident is long gone but the memory is alive and continues to deliver its "kick in the gut". Resentment metastasizes into bitterness. Forgiveness stops the spread-removes the pain and set's us free.

Forgiveness doesn't get the person who hurt me "off the hook"-forgiveness get's me "off the hook"-the hook of bitterness. It's no wonder that Jesus tells us to forgive one another-He is the great surgeon of the soul- He knows that bitterness brings death and forgiveness brings life-forgiveness is cool water to a dry and parched soul. Forgiving is an act of the will-it is hard work but it is "soul work".

As I actively forgive, something inside me awakens as I am being released from the pain. At the same time it frees me from the urge to condemn and bring vengeance to the one who hurt me. While I am being released, the person who hurt me is being released simultaneously from my "mental" prison. When forgiveness has taken hold, a heavy weight is lifted from me-I have a new perspective of the past hurt-I may remember the incident but no longer feel the pain. The anger and rage towards the person slowly turns into pity or we have no more ill will towards them.

And although forgiveness is not dependent on reconciliation, it can begin the healing of a broken relationship-give it a new start. Forgiveness is redemptive. Don't be discouraged if it takes a while, forgiveness is a transformative journey towards a healthy soul. It comes with some scrapes along the way but it is worth it. One day you wake up and your joy has returned. Forgiveness is your freedom.

A Temper Tantrum at Target

We expect a two year old to have a temper-tantrum-sometimes we call this age the 'terrible twos'. But a two year old grows up and grows out of tantrums-right? Well, most do but some don't, and they become 22, 32 or 42 year old tantrums-not a pretty sight. My friend Tammy was the victim of a full blown-adult 'temper tantrum' at a Target store parking lot.

It started when an 'adult' lady (and I use that term loosely) pulled up behind my friend with her blinker on, which indicates she spotted the open parking space first. When Tammy saw the ladies blinker on, she gave her preference-which of course is the unspoken rule-no problem so far. Then Tammy saw a spot next to the lady open up, so she turned on her blinker, for that one.

Once Tammy hit the blinker-the lady hit the roof-she went from zero to ugly. It turned into a 'Jerry Springer incident'. The lady accelerated her tantrum from honking the horn-to swinging a purse-to spitting in Tammy's face. The entire freak show was witnessed by the ladies 12 year old daughter, who sat in the passenger seat, head down covering her face. The 12 year became the adult and apologized to Tammy for her mother's behavior. It's too bad the 12 year old wasn't the one driving and her mom in a child "car seat". Why are we observing so many Adult temper tantrums lately?

I don't believe we are worse off now than any other time in history-but let's face it-civility is taking a hit-adults are near the boiling point which sometimes spills over. Recently a Congressman, a Hip Hop star and Tennis pro were unable to keep it together and they hit the ugly button. There may be many causes, but it all boils down to self control-the ability to govern our emotions.

There are two competing urges we fight daily, one is an infantile need "to be taken care of" and the other is a desire to be 'responsible for ourselves'-the first one makes no demands-the latter one demands responsibility. The first one breeds entitlement-the latter one breed's autonomy. If we don't govern ourselves-we will be governed. The lady at Target chose to be governed by her emotions.

4 “Considerations” of Life: cont’

In my Last post, I spoke of 4 "things" I have considered that have put me on a path towards authenticity. I call them the "4 Considerations of Life" they are:

1. Consider God's Love.
   
2. Consider One Another
   
3. Consider Your Words.
   
4. Consider Your Purpose.
   

I conclude with the other 3 considerations-but first a recap on God's Love.

Consider God's Love

Sounds easy right? Even Mother Theresa had doubts about God's love. We view God's love through a "cracked" lens. I begin my life with "blurred vision" as it pertains to love. Human love is an essential Human need. It is a love that is expressed in relationship to one another. And this is where it gets messy-for some people it brings profound pain and disappointment. So I'm not surprised that God's love gets thrown into this man-made mess. It would be easier to consider "Unicorns" than God's love for some. Read the rest here: http://thepirateway-bob.blogspot.com/2009/09/4-considerations-of-life.html

Consider One Another

I like to sit and watch people-not in some creepy-stalker way, but to practice empathy. Empathy is "walking in another persons shoes" as Carl Rogers defined it. "Considering" the other person is practicing empathy. Empathy is not passive-it is actively developing a curiosity and wonder about my friend or the person I interact with. When I consider "you", I train my mind to listen for what is important in your life-what are your anxieties-your hopes and your goals? What does "life" look like through your eyes? I stop making assumptions, because my focus is on your life and not my interpretation of it.

Consider your words

Your words are a window into your heart. What you say reflects who you are. If your word means nothing-your
integrity means nothing. I had an unfortunate experience the other night. I listened to 4 politicians on a Sunday talk show saying a lot of words that mean nothing-hollow promises that reflect their shallow character. Many politicians have "spin doctors" and "pollsters" that tell them what to say and how to say it-they're empty shells. When I consider my words-I consider who I am and my responsibility in what I say. Let your words and your actions match-say what you mean and mean what you say and as Jesus say's "Let your yes be yes and your no be no".

Consider your Purpose

Why are you here? When I consider my purpose, I begin with this belief: My life means something. My life is intentional-it has meaning and a purpose. When I consider my purpose, I consider my worth. I also realize that God has given me a path by which I walk and along the way my purpose interacts with loved ones, friends and acquaintances. My purpose has a responsibility attached to it. Will I squander my purpose? When I die what will my epitaph say? That will have been my purpose.

4 “Considerations” of Life

This is the first part of a 4 part post…

What does it mean to consider something?

To consider something means I ponder the "thought" without judgment. It takes practice to quiet the mind and just allow the idea to idle. It forces us to take a look at what is being considered. Author Steven Covey's "5th Habit" (out of his 7 Habits) says "Understand before being understood". When I consider, I move towards an understanding.

Life affords us many things to consider-some trivial and some deep. There are 4 things I have considered in the last few years that have put me on a path towards authenticity. I call them the "4 Considerations of Life" I invite you to consider them also-they are:

1. Consider God's love.
   
2. Consider one another.
   
3. Consider your words.
   
4. Consider your purpose.
   

Consider God's Love

Sounds easy right? Even Mother Theresa had doubts about God's love. We view God's love through a "cracked" lens. I begin my life with "blurred vision" as it pertains to love. From day one, I need love to thrive-that is "parental love" as expressed with physical touch and emotional affirmation. Human love is an essential Human need. It is a love of "mutuality" that is nurtured in relationships. And this is where it gets messy-for some people it brings profound pain and disappointment. So I'm not surprised that God's love gets thrown into this man-made mess. It would be easier to consider "Unicorns" than God's love for some.

God's Love is hard to fathom because there is no human equivalent. Parental love is the closest we come but even then, it is a two way street. God's love however is one way as it flows from His being without conditions to us. God does not say "I will love you, under one condition"-He strikes out the "under one condition" part and say's "I will love you". God's love is given freely-even when we were in rebellion towards him. His love is expressed sacrificially in the death of Jesus who was executed on a cross for us.

God's love is a "life transforming" love. His love gives life to a dead soul-no human love can do this. I was spiritually dead now I am alive. God's love is a perfect love. Not only does God love, He is Love. And He created me in His image therefore I am capable of giving love. As a "follower of Christ" I live under the "ethic of love" I am to love one another. But my love is not perfect. Sometimes I get it right-sometimes I blow it. When I consider God's love I'm grateful a perfect God loves an imperfect man like me.

When I think of God's love, the words of St Paul come to mind as he beautifully describes love: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails". Considering God's love moves me towards this "ethic of love" and the desire to unshackle the hurt from the past-to live a free and authentic life.

So I ask you to consider God's love…

Get Over Yourself

Several years ago my friend Kreg told me to "get over myself" and I did. I remember going on-and-on about how someone slighted me. I was getting tired of my own voice-it was that bad-I wanted to say "shut up already".

At first I was ticked off by his "cut-the crap" remark. But I noticed something was happening in me as I was making this effort to "get over myself"-I was becoming genuine.

St Paul says "For by the grace given to me, I say to everyone among you, not to think of yourself more highly than you ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith God has assigned- Paul confronts a "prideful attitude" and he provides a nice way to temper this selfish disposition-by the "measure of faith God has assigned us"-which is sufficient. Pride is an "inflated sense of self" and eventually this illusion leads us away from an authentic life and genuineness.

Genuineness is closing the gap between "who you are and who you think you are". It seems to me, that in order to maintain this grandiose illusion you must always be "on". It's almost like having an insatiable need to always prove yourself-it's exhausting.

I remember a time where I wanted to fit into this certain social group. I would concentrate on making a witty comment or a timely joke while monitoring if the group was accepting me or not. It was emotionally draining because I spent an enormous amount of psychic energy trying to be someone I was not.

Then it hit me-my value and worth was not found in another person's acceptance of me-that's an unfair burden to place on other people. The burden is on me to accept myself.

We all desire to be accepted, which is normal, but before I can be accepted by others-I must accept myself-flaws and all. I began to mull over this thought: If God created me in his image, has given me life and loves me even though I stuck-it-to-Him in my rebellion-who am I to say "I am no good"? That's not my call. My worth comes from the one who created me and loved me while I was still running from Him.

In time I needed to stop proving my existence and just live. I needed to close the gap. I began to find a certain freedom in being genuine. For me "Getting over myself" meant no longer proving my existence to others. I am nowhere near the genuine place I want to be, but as I become "smaller" in my life-my enjoyment of others becomes bigger. Not only do I accept myself but other people feel more comfortable around me.

G.K. Chesterton has a quote that I carry as one of my "life statements": "How much larger your life would be if your "self" were smaller in it-if you could really look at other people with common curiosity and pleasure-you would begin to be interested in them"

So in the wise words of my friend Kreg: Get over yourself"