“Love” Let Me Count the Ways

C.S. Lewis wrote a book called "The 4 Loves." I saw all 4 this morning at a bagel and bread place called Panera. I observed Affection, Friendship, Eros and Charity within 30 minutes. First, I noticed a young couple in a booth, holding hands while eating. Never mind the fine motor skills it takes to accomplish this, but they appeared "in love."

Across from the "love birds" was a group of men discussing the bible and the BCS college football standings. Next to them, was a middle age man and his young daughter. The little girl was wiggling in her chair, singing a song about butterflies. The man smiled, hummed a few bars and quietly told the little one to be still and finish her food.

In all three conversations, love was being expressed. Love can be communicated many ways and is essential to cultivating a meaningful relationship where intimacy, care and regard for the other person are nurtured. C.S. Lewis describes the 4 Loves as:

Affection or Storge is a fondness through familiarity, a natural love without coercion.

Friendship or Phileo is a strong bond existing between people who share a common interest or activity.

Eros is the sense of being 'in love' which is distinct from sexuality which Lewis calls Venus. Eros can have a sexual expression but it does not define this love.

Charity or Agape is the unconditional care for a person regardless of circumstance. Lewis recognizes charity as the greatest of loves. He sees it as a Christian virtue. This love is expressed in God's unconditional love for us.

In the relationships we form, one or more of these "loves" is displayed. As I observed the "love fest" going on this morning, it gave me a sense of hope, in spite of all the anger and hate out there-love rules-let me count the ways. 

A Book Review “Mustain” The Story of Rocker Dave Mustain

Metal Rock Star, Dave Mustain, found the "one thing" missing from his life. And the journey almost killed him. That's the gist of his new book "Mustain." The reader travels down two paths. One path leads to the story of a multi platinum band; Megadeth, rocking the world on the biggest stages-in the glamorous and seedy world of rock and roll hedonism.

The second path leads to a small Texas town in the middle of nowhere on a freezing January night where Dave makes a decision that will change his eternal destination. The first path almost killed him and the second path brought him life.

As I was reading, It was like looking in the mirror of my own life. I felt a kindred spirit. We both grew up in Southern California during the promiscuous 70's and 80's. We surfed in the same waters off Huntington Beach. We both partied in the same haunts. We both were rock enthusiast of Heavy Metal and we both used music as a way of escape and meaning.

But this is where the analogy ends. Dave was a founding member of the band Metallica and then went on to form Megadeth-both were monster bands of metal rock. Right before Metallica was to launch into the legendary band they are now, Dave was unceremoniously booted out-an injustice that set him on a course of vengeance and self destruction.

His journey began from the chaos of a dysfunctional family-an abusive, alcoholic father who the family was constantly running from and a depressed mother who cleaned toilets to provide for her children.

In his quest to eclipse Metallica, he formed the band Megadeth and hit the big time. He traveled the world-had all the drugs, sex and anything that he wanted, all at his fingertips. One thing he could not find, was a way to heal the bitterness from his past rejections-first from his father and then from his close friends in Metallica.

He hated God because of an "authoritarian legalism" he experienced with his Mom and family who were Jehovah Witness'. He dabbled in witchcraft and even tried Buddhism and along with his abusive drug use, which included heroin-nothing filled the hole.

Then he met Pam. The relationship and subsequent marriage with Pam put Dave on the second path-the path that led to life-a path that included 17 times in re-hab. He and Pam had two kids. Pam went to church-Dave went to re-hab. Pam wanted a stable family life-Dave wanted drugs. Pam was counseled to leave the marriage-Dave wanted to die. Pam saw an attorney. Dave sought treatment for the 17^th time.

This leads us to, Hunt Texas, on a freezing January night-in a field, with a man named Le Roy. Right there, at a small wooden shack that acted as the chapel-without the spotlights, without the crowds-Dave Mustain said a simple prayer. He called Pam who also was praying and she knew in her heart Dave was a changed man.

His conversion snuck up on me-I didn't see it coming. Yet throughout the book I sensed a man searching, longing to fill the hole in his soul. And there it was in Hunt Texas. I thought wow; this is how God comes to us-this is how he came to us 2,000 years ago in a small town of Bethlehem in a dilapidated wooden manger. Salvation is not exploited by the worlds definition of success.

Dave Mustain has a long way to go and is not perfect-he struggles as all believers do. His path takes him through healing power of forgiveness for those who have hurt him deeply. He has a loving wife and two children who remind him where his priorities are.

And now his music-his passion-is no longer clouded by the drugs and darkness of a sinful life. He expresses his music on the biggest stage-the stage of eternal life. It's a great read. 

The Accuser: A Different View of Hate

 
Message to all accusers out there: Zip it!

Can't we have a conversation today without being smeared? Unfortunately that is not enough for the accusers among us-they love to spread dissension. If you tell a lie long enough and loud enough, people will believe it. Saul Alinski and Josef Gerbils would be proud.

In J.R.R. Tolkien's 'Lord of the Rings', there is a character by the name of Grima son of Galmod, who used his false accusations to weaken the Kingdom of Rohan and deceive the King. The malicious smears took root in the kingdom and poisoned all that was good and decent.

Fortunately, goodness and truth prevailed in the person of Gandalf, he rebuked the accuser stating: "The wise speak only of what they know, Gríma son of Gálmód, a witless worm have you become. Therefore be silent, and keep your forked tongue behind your teeth.

The accuser traffics "hate" through malicious accusations and slander. He appears charming and sensible-he slyly accuses his enemies as being haters. On the outside, the accuser portrays himself as "righteous." But on the inside, hatred has burned a hole in his soul.

His moral condemnations are eaten up by his sycophants, who in turn disperse the accusations with wild abandon. Many follow the accuser and believe his hateful lies. The accuser is undeterred in his defiance of the 9^th commandment: "You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor." But today, "Slander" has become a multi-million dollar cottage industry-" Make a false accusation-file a lawsuit and hit the jackpot, Not a bad gig if you can get it.

Do not believe the lies of the accuser-he appears wise, but is full of hate. If we truly want a national conversation about important issues, goodness and truth will need to prevail. Disagree and debate all we want, but without lies, hate and false accusations. Do not be deceived-say no to hate-say no to the Accuser.


 

 

Influence

Influence has a quiet power to it. It's not coercive or "in your face." Certain people have that special "something" that we gravitate towards. Dale was such a person. Besides "respect" for others, which Dale modeled, there was this hidden "something" about Dale that wasn't so apparent but was profound.

It was that Dale took a genuine interest and un-conditional positive regard in what I had to say. I know this may sound too simplistic, but this quality, is what drew me towards Dale. And his words and actions influenced me.

One of Britain's most famous female politician and socialite Lady Astor tells a story about two prominent Prime ministers: Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone. She said "after a conversation with Gladstone, you would walk away thinking he was the most famous person in Britain-but after talking to Disraeli you would think you were the most famous person in Britain."

A person with true Influence moves away from themselves and towards the other person with genuine curiosity. GK Chesterton said it best: "How much larger your life would be if your self were smaller in it." I think this best describes the quiet power on influence and is something I desire to practice.


 

The Power of Self Awareness

I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a store window and…WHOA. I was troubled by what I saw-my walk, my weight and my poor fashion choice. Who I thought I was and who I was, didn't match. Something went wrong in the reflection. I experienced a moment of self awareness and didn't like it-but I needed it.

Of course, a reflection only shows the outside and cannot show what's inside. But truth be told, I form a picture of myself on the inside based on my values and the standards of what I think a man my age should be like-I compare myself to others.

The perception is shallow and could be flawed. But if I look deeper into myself, I see what forms my character-the person I really am. Moments of self awareness do not change me from the outside-although a different shirt would have helped. Self awareness examines the deep parts of my character and that is where change and maturity happen.

Self awareness separates "myself" from my "perceived self" and I take an objective look at who I really am. I examine my motives, values and standards that I use to compare myself to others. I soon find out that either my values were out of sync or my perception of me was.

A conflict occurs when the two do not match. That moment I saw the reflection, I knew something was out of sync and self awareness brought me back in sync with my values. Practicing self awareness aligns your perceptions with your values.

I could spend a lot of time wondering how others see me but what is most important and where I begin is "how I see me." My reputation is how others see me but my character defines the real me. When reputation and character come together they form the genuine self. And Self awareness brings me closer to my character.

Abraham Lincoln once said: "Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing." Self awareness follows the shadow to the tree.

Slinging the Slurs

In every age the vilest specimens of human nature are to be found among demagogues ~ Thomas Babington Macaulay (1800-1859)

Whether it's the "Ground Zero" Mosque, or the Arizona Law or Gay Marriage, I've got to tip my hat to the demagogues-they sure know how to sling the slurs. I step back and admire the breathtaking speed by which a "smear" is flung with reckless abandon. Demagogues have no sense of humor-they really need to lighten up.

Demagogues wish to "shut you up" if you dissent from their narrative. Demagoguery silences the "opposing voices" by intimidating them with smears and lies. Political Correctness is an insidious form of demagoguery in the guise of "speech codes."

The current "soupe de jour" of smears can be found in Columnist, Dennis Prager's acronym: SIX HIRB-"Sexist, Intolerant, Xenophobe, Homophobes, Islamaphobes, Racist, and Bigot." All these cards are currently played by the demagogue for the sole purpose to shut down dissent-period.
 
A friend, who I respect and disagree with on some of these issues, was engaged in a thoughtful conversation, which went well. Why, because I consider my friend a decent person who I respect. I was more interested in her perspective than winning the debate. We sought clarity over agreement. I disagreed but respected my friend's "take" on the issues.

Free expression thrives in an atmosphere of decency and respect. Decency and respect for the others opinion creates an atmosphere where I could speak freely without fear of being demonized or dismissed. If we are not free to express opposing views-we are not free. Demagoguery poisons the well of free and open speech and has no place in the national dialogue.

But back to my friend and me-we're not ideologues even though we have passion in what we believe. Our friendship and desire to understand one another is more important than to win the debate or silence the other with a smear.

On a personal level, in everyday life, thousands of these "coffee table" conversations go on all the time. We may disagree with friends but we don't want to silence them with smears. If we can promote this "coffee table" conversation to the "national level, we will be able to have a conscientious, decent and respectful discussion on all these important issues. The only voice that needs to be silenced is that of the demagogue.

A Married Man among his Female Friends

I eat lunch at an outdoor mall and walk around before going back to work. I notice coworkers eating together. But sometimes I see a man and a woman sitting at a table and get the feeling they're married-but not to each other. To me, this encounter seems "out of place" as I notice the awkward glances and nervous flirting. I told my friend Jeff about my observation and he knew exactly what I was talking about. "It's a married man acting single" he tells me.

I love my wife and count myself lucky to have female friends-I can do both-like walking and chewing gum. But there are certain limitations to these friendships. I constantly remind myself of the differences. I have developed a "zone of discretion" so I can navigate the enjoyable company of my female friends while not compromising my integrity.

My zone is built on these principles:

• I start off with this thought: "Would I act the same way around my wife as I do my female friends?"
  
• I keep pictures of my wife and kids in my office as a visual reminder of where my priorities are.
  
• I make it a practice to go out to lunch as a group with my female friends.
  
• I become aware of feelings of attractions and keep them in check. I starve these feelings by acknowledging they exist but do not respond to them.
  
• I keep in mind what I would lose if I slip up: like the love and respect from my wife and three boys; my witness as a man of faith, among many other things.
  

Having female friends has enriched my life and actually made me a better husband and a man of integrity. But in order for this to happen, a zone of discretion has to be built and cultivated daily.