How many "If Only's" go round n round in your head? If Only's can be reflections we think about and then move on. Or they can be regrets that anchor us in the past. Reality has a way of crashing into my if only's and leads me in a different direction. There is one "if only" I have that creeps up now and then.
It began when I graduated from High School. I was only 17 at the time. My friend John and I were to enlist in the Navy together-on the buddy system. He was 18 and ready to be shipped off. But I needed to have my parents' signatures and after much back and forth with the folks, they didn't sign the papers. John sailed off and I stayed home-shipped wrecked.
This "if only" pops up with friends who were in the military and are now in a second career with military benefits to fall back on. So round n round it goes: "If only I went into the Navy at 17." But it didn't happen. And If I hang on to that regret, it will turn into resentment and keep me anchored in port-not being able to move on.
The if only's that are hard to swallow are the mistakes we made-Or the risks we took that fell through-Or the marriage we messed up. The poison of guilt and anger spills over into our conversations and daily lives-my life becomes tainted. I view all things through the dark lens of "if only."
My friend's mom passed away from a massive heart attack while she was standing over the kitchen sink washing dishes-in one moment she was gone. That morning my friend had an argument over the phone with her mom. Things didn't go well, in what was to be the last conversation they had. My friend mulls this if only over in her head constantly-"If only I could have told her I loved her" she says regretfully. I can only imagine my friends pain-one conversation that goes round and round in her head and keeps her in a perpetual state of "If Only."
Not now, but in time, and walking in forgiveness, my friend will come to understand that one conversation does not make a lifelong-loving relationship she had with her mom. That one conversation most likely was repeated a hundred times in their relationship-it just happened to be the last. That's a tough one. Life is unpredictable and the "if only's" are temporary places we visit and reflect but then move on and eventually we do.
I'm offended by the "easily offended." It doesn't take much to set the "thin skinned" off. They are a hypersensitive bunch. The "thin skinned" spend a lot of time seeking out things that offend them. And as usual they find it. A tremendous amount of emotional energy is squandered with these easily offended folks.
When I have a conversation with a "thin skin," I choose my words carefully so not to offend. I walk on egg shells. No one wants to hear the dreaded words "I'm offended." Misery follows the emotionally thin skinned. Who are they? They're our co workers-our neighbors and brothers and sisters in our churches. It seems the church is full of them.
I could spot a "thin skin" in church; they mask their offense with a fake "righteous indignation." They're easily offended, legalistic and quick to condemn. To me they are the "walking wounded" who have found the church as a place to nurture their bitterness.
These poor souls need to walk in the forgiving light of God's grace and love. Author Frank Viola once commented that God's people are the most easily offended people on the planet.
http://frankviola.wordpress.com/2009/10/12/living-without-offense-rick-warren-is-supporting-our-twitter-conference-tomorrow/
Deep wounds mar the thin skinned. But there is hope-a different way to live-a path to take towards healing. This path replaces the old ways of thinking with a new way. It removes misery and replaces it with peace and removes judgmentalism and replaces it with humility. It is the path of Forgiveness.
The first step on the path is giving the hurt over to God, daily and asking him to show you the way of forgiveness. The next step is to identify where the hurts come from. For some it is a Profound Insecurity which may lead you to believe you are unlovable, inadequate or worthless. Confront this lie.
Or maybe the wound is resentment which forgiveness can remove. The other wound can be a lack of trust in people. Find your wound, confess the sin and walk along the path of God's healing love. There is healing from the misery of Thin Skin. As a follower of Christ I need to "bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances I may have against another. I need to "Forgive as the Lord forgave me." Colossians 3:13.
Be free form the misery of Thin Skin.
A good poker player can call a bluff, by observing the other players "mannerisms." The give-away behavior is called a Tell. Some players are good at hiding their hand-that's why you see the goofy sunglasses. In the world of poker, deception is the rule.
But In the world of relationships, deception is bad. No one likes a phony. I want to be genuine in my relationships and expose what my true motives are. A motive is my "desire to act on something." It's the "why" behind my actions. Like poker players, we also have "tells" that give away our true motives.
One day I walk into "Big Jims" auto mall and Big Jim is ecstatic to see me. He can't contain himself. He tells me where the free coffee is and "that I better grab a fresh blueberry muffin before the finance staff eats them." Big Jim is blowing smoke and I spot his tell. He has no concern for my nutritional needs-he wants to sale me a car. He hides his true motives in the blueberry muffins.
It's so refreshing for a person to say what they mean and mean what they say. I want to have a genuine conversation with someone and communicate my true motives. It frees me from phoniness. I'm keeping it real. But If I try to hide my true motives, I will develop a "tell" which will be certain behaviors that give away my deception. People can spot the "tell" of an imposter.
When my motives match my actions, I am genuine in my relationships and true to myself. In poker I will hide my motives-in life I will show you my hand.
Jesus rose from the dead or he didn't. Jesus was, who he claimed to be, or he wasn't. His death and resurrection was staged or it's the real thing. "Easter" forces these propositions to the surface. He was either the "Criss Angel" of his time, or the "Christ" of eternity. Jesus put this proposition to his followers one day by asking them a simple question. And the question he asked, and the answer he received, are still being "asked and answered" today.
We find this question and answer in Matthew 16:13-17 (and I paraphrase). While hanging out in Caesarea Philippi, Jesus asked his disciples, 'Who do people say that the Son of Man is?' Because they were speaking for others, they easily shouted out the answers: 'Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah, and others Jeremiah or one of the prophets.' Then Jesus made it personal, by asking 'But who do you say that I am?' You see, it's easy for me to speak for others but when forced to look at my own beliefs, I open up a window to my soul and I don't want to be exposed. Because It's within our soul that we either believe or we don't. But Peter exposed his soul and revealed the answer to Jesus' personal query: "Simon Peter replied, 'You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.' And Jesus answered him, 'Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven'"
On Easter, this question is asked and I have two ways I can go with it: Either Jesus Christ rose from the dead and is the Christ, the Son of the living God or He didn't and was a fraud. I answered Jesus' question when I was 19 years old. But The question is still out there for anyone to answer:
Who do you say that I am?
Happy Resurrection day...
Over the past few years, I have observed public discourse over important things devolving into a collective "emotional temper tantrum." And I wonder if we have lost the ability to think things through. We don't think-we emote. We "lash out" with such a natural ease, it's breathtaking. And we do so without consideration of the consequences.
One could observe that we've become a "self absorbed, hyper-sensitive and hysterical people." Like volcanoes, spewing forth our "grievances" with no constraints. Have we become too precious, that we can't handle an insult or a passionate argument without filing a lawsuit?
We need a healthy dose of common sense to pull us back from the emotional brink of non sense. Common sense is "sound judgment not polluted by theory" or simply put, it is "understanding the obvious." The two characteristics that define common sense are level headedness and practicality.
My friend Mark has common sense and he is very passionate about things. But his strong opinions don't get in the away of his ability to think things through. Mark and I would have these long talks about Church and how things should be handled. Our conversations would be filled with emotion, but towards the end of our talk, we both took an honest look at the facts. This pulled us back to reality and we could consider what was practical-even if we disagreed.
Mark would ask the question "Will this work?" And even though we had separate ideas, we both knew what was "obvious." Common sense forces me to face reality. My plan may be clever, but not practical. It may look great on paper, but won't work in real life.
Common sense is the balance between ideology and pragmatism-we need both. Debate and disagreement are healthy in a culture that accentuates common sense. Unfortunately we have lost this balance. I once heard someone say, "You have a right to your own opinions, but you don't have a right to your own facts." Today we are not speaking from the same basic set of facts-take "global warming" for example. If we cannot speak from the same objective reality we are speaking non-sense to one another.
We need to get back on the same page and have a common "reality." The pendulum has swung way over to the ideological side of things where there is a different reality and language to go with it. Common sense will correct this off balanced life. We may disagree about ideas but not about reality. Our differences will be invigorating and actually mean something. But until common sense is the mega-phone by which we speak to one another-it will all be non-sense.
Tonight, March 21, 2010 the Health Care bill passed 219 to 212 and with it "We the People" chose to be governed and no longer govern. The words of French Politician and Revolutionary Pierre Joseph Proudhon are lucid:
To be governed is to be watched, inspected, spied upon, directed, law-driven, numbered, regulated, enrolled, indoctrinated, preached at, controlled, checked, estimated, valued, censured, commanded, by creatures who have neither the right nor the wisdom nor the virtue to do so. To be governed is to be at every operation, at every transaction noted, registered, counted, taxed, stamped, measured, numbered, assessed, licensed, authorized, admonished, prevented, forbidden, reformed, corrected, punished. It is, under pretext of public utility, and in the name of the general interest, to be placed under contribution, drilled, fleeced, exploited, monopolized, extorted from, squeezed, hoaxed, robbed; then, at the slightest resistance, the first word of complaint, to be repressed, fined, vilified, harassed, hunted down, abused, clubbed, disarmed, bound, choked, imprisoned, judged, condemned, shot, deported, sacrificed, sold, betrayed; and to crown all, mocked, ridiculed, derided, outraged, dishonored. That is government; that is its justice; that is its morality.
Virtues are Habits of the Heart. They point me to the "good life" where genuine happiness is the ultimate end. We definitely need virtues to make a comeback today. As a young man, Benjamin Franklin picked 13 virtues he believed would help him mature and be responsible. He made a list and practiced these virtues daily.
The 13 virtues and his objectives were:
TEMPERANCE: Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation
SILENCE: Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
ORDER: Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
RESOLUTION: Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
FRUGALITY: Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.
INDUSTRY: Lose no time; be always employed in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
SINCERITY: Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
JUSTICE: Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
MODERATION: Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
CLEANLINESS: Tolerate no un-cleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.
TRANQUILLITY: Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
CHASTITY: Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation.
HUMILITY: Imitate Jesus and Socrates.
A few years ago I decided to pull a "Benjamin Franklin" and devise my own lists of virtues. The virtues I picked helped me with some troubling areas of my life that I needed balance. One area that needed balance was between "joking around" too much and being "sober minded." I needed to practice keeping quiet and so "Silence" and "Moderation" became a couple of the virtues I picked to practice.
Once a habit is formed, it becomes embedded in your character and then it pre-disposes you to act accordingly. Virtues, as habits, govern your "mind", your "will", and your "soul". This is why virtues are good habits to form.
So pull a "Benjamin Franklin" yourself: find a list of virtues and pick a few that you can practice daily. Give yourself 3 months practicing these few virtues and see how your life is different.
