Dreams expose our hidden concerns

Dreams tell us things our conscious life won’t.

And if we listen to what they’re telling us, we can learn about the hidden side of ourselves, and in time, be comfortable in our own skin.

Sigmund Freud breaks down a dream as “data taken in from the day’s residue and if images are important enough to be incorporated in it they must be reinforced by older, meaningful, affect-laden concerns.” (Yalom)

I have a recurring dream where I am lost in a house that’s falling apart. The house is from my past. In the dream, I morph into myself as a boy. In the dream I wander through the house, lost in a vaguely familiar world of long ago.

I wake up with this sense of sadness and loss. My dad past away a few months ago and it hit me; “I’m next.”  

The dilapidated house in my dream represents a past that is long gone.  It represents the aging process. I’m not as vigorous as I once was. I’m falling apart.

Dreams peel away the masks we wear in public and come very close to our true self. They reveal the hidden and ultimate concerns we grapple with daily.

An ultimate concern that lurks just below the surface is ‘ones impending death,’ which I believe my dream reflects. One day I will die. And in 100 years I may be a footnote in some family member’s ancestery.com.

Life, like time goes on; with or without me. Like the house that is falling apart in my dream, all things fade. I can no longer hang on to a past that is no more.

My dream is helping me move on. And live out the remaining days accepting myself as I am now; being comfortable in my own skin.

Your True Motive

A good poker player can call a bluff, by observing the other players "mannerisms." The give-away behavior is called a Tell. Some players are good at hiding their hand-that's why you see the goofy sunglasses. In the world of poker, deception is the rule.

But In the world of relationships, deception is bad. No one likes a phony. I want to be genuine in my relationships and expose what my true motives are. A motive is my "desire to act on something." It's the "why" behind my actions. Like poker players, we also have "tells" that give away our true motives.

One day I walk into "Big Jims" auto mall and Big Jim is ecstatic to see me. He can't contain himself. He tells me where the free coffee is and "that I better grab a fresh blueberry muffin before the finance staff eats them." Big Jim is blowing smoke and I spot his tell. He has no concern for my nutritional needs-he wants to sale me a car. He hides his true motives in the blueberry muffins.

It's so refreshing for a person to say what they mean and mean what they say. I want to have a genuine conversation with someone and communicate my true motives. It frees me from phoniness. I'm keeping it real. But If I try to hide my true motives, I will develop a "tell" which will be certain behaviors that give away my deception. People can spot the "tell" of an imposter.

When my motives match my actions, I am genuine in my relationships and true to myself. In poker I will hide my motives-in life I will show you my hand.

2 Way’s 2 Stop “Seeking the Approval” of Others

On a regular basis I stand in front of people-say something-and then get judged. And what's crazy is that I do this for a living. I train Social Workers and they're a tough crowd. It's brutal, especially if you seek the approval of others. I've been dogged by this affliction and have learned over time to be comfortable in my own "thick" skin.. Here are two way's to stop seeking a persons approval and enjoy them:

Separate the person from the approval. All of us have a desire to be accepted by others-we ask ourselves "will I fit in?" If I believe my approval is found in others, then I'll spend the better part of my life seeking it out. I go from person to person-group to group trying to prove my worth. My worth is not contingent upon your approval and it's unfair for me you to saddle you with that burden.

If I don't separate the "approval" from "you," I'll get stuck in an endless cycle of rejection which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. This cycle starts with the belief that "people will reject me." When I sense rejection-like in body language-I ratchet up the need for approval which then turns the person off and they reject me.

Accept imperfection in yourself and in others. If I no longer link my worth to your approval, I enjoy your company and can relax around you and you around me. The more I accept myself-even the unacceptable stuff-the more I accept you and no longer feel a need for your approval.

Life is too short to spend all that emotional energy in searching after something that is unobtainable-Approval from Others. Stop the search-accept yourself and enjoy others.