As I stood on the corner waiting to cross the street, a young man in a Camero rolled to a stop. His windows were down and leeching into the beautiful spring air, was a torrent of filthy vulgarity and F-bombs raining down on everyone within 100 feet-collateral damage I guess.
The "song" was detailing a sex act. Next to the kid in the Camero, I noticed a young woman around the same age being exposed to this second hand vulgarity.
I wondered how she would react to a genre of music that sexually trashes women and de-humanizes them?
I was impressed to watch her turn towards the young man driving the "porn on wheels" and slowly roll up her window. A display of courage we need to see more of.
After all, we stigmatize "second hand smoke" to the point where, just the public presence of a cigarette brings ridicule. But throw an F Bomb in public and you get silence.
If second hand vulgarity is equally condemned publicly as second hand smoke is, just the power of stigmatization would at least have the young man in the Camero turn down his radio especially in the presence of a lady.
Second hand smoke irritates the lungs-second hand vulgarity corrodes the soul. I think we can take a lesson from that young lady and call out those who wish to blow second hand vulgarity in our face-we will not tolerate it.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Conversations with Howard, Joe and Harry
Howard loves to talk. He will strike up a conversation with anyone at the bagel place I frequent. Howard is a regular, like me.
Many people respond to Howard's intrusiveness because it's the polite thing to do. But I also notice that some people want to find the nearest exit.
I have heard his story many times: He is a 75 year old cancer survivor and widower. He lost his wife to cancer several years ago and now lives on a very limited income. He has a girlfriend name Luz, a 50 year old divorcee with 2 kids.
He went to UCLA were he obtained a BS in Business. He's in the vitamin and supplement industry-that's what he's pitching to me today. I tell him it's a multi-level marketing scheme and he bristles at the thought.
I must confess, I cringe when I see Howard walking over to my table because I know he's going to launch in into a 10 minute summary of the Suzette Sommers book he's reading.
Howard has no clue how he can suck the life out of a conversation-he continues unabated. Some may call him a conversation vampire. I like Howard and don't want to be rude but I don't know exactly how to find an exit strategy.
During one of Howard's rants, my mind traveled back to grad school and I began to think of two guy's I read about-Joe and Harry.
Joe Luft and Harry Ingham were two psychologist's who studied personal interactions and self awareness. They developed what is called the Johari (Joe-Harry) window-a four paned "window" that divides self awareness into four categories-Open (Arena)-Blind Spot-Hidden (Facade) and Unknown (The window is illustrated at the bottom).
The window reveals knowledge about ourselves that we are consciously aware of. And it reveals knowledge that others have about us.
The four panes represent how aware the person is of their behavior, attitude, and interactions:
Open Pane: in this pane the person and others are consciously aware of their behavior, feelings and intentions. Conversation is marked by genuineness, empathy and mutuality. Kind of a nice give and take.
Blind Spot Pane: In this pane, the person is not aware of how he comes across. My friend Howard operates here. The Blind Spot pane is marked by a stiff, unnatural diatribe. The person may believe the exchange is going well without realizing that the other person is feeling put upon.
Hidden Pane: The person who engages others from this pane is aware of things about themselves but does not disclose it. This is appropriate when just meeting someone. Because if you blurt out your deep dark secrets too early-well that is TMI and will scare the other person off.
But the hidden pane can also be an unhealthy place to live. It's where we put on our masks. We hide our true intentions. A conversation in this pane manifests itself as pretentious, defensive and scripted. I don't want to expose my true self so therefore I pay a role. It's exhausting to engage others from this pane.
Unknown Pane: Information in this pane has not reached the conscious level. I may think that something is not clicking, but can't put my finger on it. Sometimes, while engaged in conversation, a thought may trigger an aha moment when information becomes conscious and I become aware.
Th bottom line is when we are in a conversation we move in and out of these four panes. My goal is to spend most of the time in the open pane where I will have a deep and meaningful interactions.
.:
Many people respond to Howard's intrusiveness because it's the polite thing to do. But I also notice that some people want to find the nearest exit.
I have heard his story many times: He is a 75 year old cancer survivor and widower. He lost his wife to cancer several years ago and now lives on a very limited income. He has a girlfriend name Luz, a 50 year old divorcee with 2 kids.
He went to UCLA were he obtained a BS in Business. He's in the vitamin and supplement industry-that's what he's pitching to me today. I tell him it's a multi-level marketing scheme and he bristles at the thought.
I must confess, I cringe when I see Howard walking over to my table because I know he's going to launch in into a 10 minute summary of the Suzette Sommers book he's reading.
Howard has no clue how he can suck the life out of a conversation-he continues unabated. Some may call him a conversation vampire. I like Howard and don't want to be rude but I don't know exactly how to find an exit strategy.
During one of Howard's rants, my mind traveled back to grad school and I began to think of two guy's I read about-Joe and Harry.
Joe Luft and Harry Ingham were two psychologist's who studied personal interactions and self awareness. They developed what is called the Johari (Joe-Harry) window-a four paned "window" that divides self awareness into four categories-Open (Arena)-Blind Spot-Hidden (Facade) and Unknown (The window is illustrated at the bottom).
The window reveals knowledge about ourselves that we are consciously aware of. And it reveals knowledge that others have about us.
The four panes represent how aware the person is of their behavior, attitude, and interactions:
Open Pane: in this pane the person and others are consciously aware of their behavior, feelings and intentions. Conversation is marked by genuineness, empathy and mutuality. Kind of a nice give and take.
Blind Spot Pane: In this pane, the person is not aware of how he comes across. My friend Howard operates here. The Blind Spot pane is marked by a stiff, unnatural diatribe. The person may believe the exchange is going well without realizing that the other person is feeling put upon.
Hidden Pane: The person who engages others from this pane is aware of things about themselves but does not disclose it. This is appropriate when just meeting someone. Because if you blurt out your deep dark secrets too early-well that is TMI and will scare the other person off.
But the hidden pane can also be an unhealthy place to live. It's where we put on our masks. We hide our true intentions. A conversation in this pane manifests itself as pretentious, defensive and scripted. I don't want to expose my true self so therefore I pay a role. It's exhausting to engage others from this pane.
Unknown Pane: Information in this pane has not reached the conscious level. I may think that something is not clicking, but can't put my finger on it. Sometimes, while engaged in conversation, a thought may trigger an aha moment when information becomes conscious and I become aware.
Th bottom line is when we are in a conversation we move in and out of these four panes. My goal is to spend most of the time in the open pane where I will have a deep and meaningful interactions.
.:
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Westboro Church's Gospel of "Hate"
Hatred can be subtle or "in your face." The vicious accusers of the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) dispense the "in your face" type. But their hate is especially grievous, because it is expressed in the name of a holy and loving God.
Fred Phelps, the patriarchal leader and self designated pastor, along with his family and other lost souls, make up this cult-like clan, known as the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka Kansas.
This groups claim to infamy is they protest at the funeral of fallen soldiers, homosexuals and celebrities pronouncing God's wrath upon them.
In a twist of cosmic justice, not one Baptist convention or association claim this odd band of accusers. For all intents and purposes the followers of WBC are "going it alone." Alone in their corrupted gospel of hate. The followers of the WBC are preaching a false gospel which is the antithesis of the gospel of Jesus.
The Christian Gospel is "good news" and is animated by God's love for a fallen and broken people-sinners who are completely lost and live under the crushing weight of sin's condemnation. With no way out, God comes to our rescue, driven by His love for us, God shows us the way out.
John 3:16, tells us what this "good news" is: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son that whosoever shall believe in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." But that's not all, we read in the next verse (17) "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world but to save the world through Him."
These two verses tell a story of a loving God who freely gave Himself, coming to us as in ther form of a man-Jesus-to be condemned and die on a cross in our place.
Jesus' death on the cross and resurrection provided for us a reprieve from God's wrath. Jesus became the "condemned one" in our place-He became our Savior.
Jesus broke the back of sin and for all those who believe, we are saved and no longer live under condemnation-this is the "good news," Jesus came to us not to condemn but to save.
These two verses also tell us that the Christian gospel is both grace-God gave his one and only Son and within that grace is a law-God so loved the world. This is the law of love, which is the believers imperative to "love one another" as God so loved the world. Love then is the driving force that animates the gospel of grace-not condemnation or hate.
It's important to understand that the Christian gospel is both Grace and Law. Any other teaching where grace or law is left out, is a false gospel.
If a so called "gospel" is grace without law, it would be a "cheap grace"-worth nothing. As Dietrich Bonheoffer says "cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ."
On the other hand if a so called "gospel" is law without grace, it too is a gospel without the living, incarnate Jesus. It would be a cold, condemning gospel that crushes the soul and leads to death.
The "legalistic" moralizer in some of our churches today and Pharisee of the bible, held to this corrupted "gospel." And this is the gospel practiced by the followers of the Westboro Baptist Church.
A gospel without grace leads to hate and condemnation. And then the hate and condemnation become the driving force behind the "protests" of WBC's followers. Just look at the hurtful "protest signs" and ask your self, would Jesus be shouting and carrying signs with the protesters or comforting the grieving family?
I am reminded of St Paul's warning against those who preach a false gospel:
"But even if we, or an angel from heaven, should preach to you a gospel contrary to what we have preached to you, he is to be accursed! As we have said before, so I say again now, if any man is preaching to you a gospel contrary to what you received, he is to be accursed!" Galatians 1:9
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is a Gospel of grace and love that leads to salvation and eternal life. It is not a Gospel of hate that leads to condemnation and death.
Fred Phelps, the patriarchal leader and self designated pastor, along with his family and other lost souls, make up this cult-like clan, known as the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka Kansas.
This groups claim to infamy is they protest at the funeral of fallen soldiers, homosexuals and celebrities pronouncing God's wrath upon them.
In a twist of cosmic justice, not one Baptist convention or association claim this odd band of accusers. For all intents and purposes the followers of WBC are "going it alone." Alone in their corrupted gospel of hate. The followers of the WBC are preaching a false gospel which is the antithesis of the gospel of Jesus.
The Christian Gospel is "good news" and is animated by God's love for a fallen and broken people-sinners who are completely lost and live under the crushing weight of sin's condemnation. With no way out, God comes to our rescue, driven by His love for us, God shows us the way out.
John 3:16, tells us what this "good news" is: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son that whosoever shall believe in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." But that's not all, we read in the next verse (17) "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world but to save the world through Him."
These two verses tell a story of a loving God who freely gave Himself, coming to us as in ther form of a man-Jesus-to be condemned and die on a cross in our place.
Jesus' death on the cross and resurrection provided for us a reprieve from God's wrath. Jesus became the "condemned one" in our place-He became our Savior.
Jesus broke the back of sin and for all those who believe, we are saved and no longer live under condemnation-this is the "good news," Jesus came to us not to condemn but to save.
These two verses also tell us that the Christian gospel is both grace-God gave his one and only Son and within that grace is a law-God so loved the world. This is the law of love, which is the believers imperative to "love one another" as God so loved the world. Love then is the driving force that animates the gospel of grace-not condemnation or hate.
It's important to understand that the Christian gospel is both Grace and Law. Any other teaching where grace or law is left out, is a false gospel.
If a so called "gospel" is grace without law, it would be a "cheap grace"-worth nothing. As Dietrich Bonheoffer says "cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ."
On the other hand if a so called "gospel" is law without grace, it too is a gospel without the living, incarnate Jesus. It would be a cold, condemning gospel that crushes the soul and leads to death.
The "legalistic" moralizer in some of our churches today and Pharisee of the bible, held to this corrupted "gospel." And this is the gospel practiced by the followers of the Westboro Baptist Church.
A gospel without grace leads to hate and condemnation. And then the hate and condemnation become the driving force behind the "protests" of WBC's followers. Just look at the hurtful "protest signs" and ask your self, would Jesus be shouting and carrying signs with the protesters or comforting the grieving family?
I am reminded of St Paul's warning against those who preach a false gospel:
"But even if we, or an angel from heaven, should preach to you a gospel contrary to what we have preached to you, he is to be accursed! As we have said before, so I say again now, if any man is preaching to you a gospel contrary to what you received, he is to be accursed!" Galatians 1:9
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is a Gospel of grace and love that leads to salvation and eternal life. It is not a Gospel of hate that leads to condemnation and death.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Cultivating Curiosity in the Age of Tweets and Twitter
Huell Howser, host of "California Gold" is the only person I know that can get pretty excited about broken glass.
Let me explain. Huell travels up and down the state and discovers some of California's unique and eccentric places like lighthouses, Emu farmers and artisans who make things out of broken glass.
One episode, Huell visited a man who creates "deco art" using recycled glass. I was listening to the conversation with amazement and I got the sense that Huell sincerely cares about this guy and his broken glass.
Curiosity is hard to develop, especially if the topic is of no interest. I mean how excited can one get about wall paper design? But being curious requires me to really listen and enter another persons world with empathy.
Curiosity softens my "self certainty" about life and increases my ability to see life with a sense of "wonder." So I became "curious" watching Huell work his magic in getting people to open up about what I thought was mundane topics.
I went on to "youtube" and I watched closely how the great interviewers like Huell Howser, Jack Paar, Brian Lamb and Roy Firestone brought a person to life.
I listened to how each of these conversationalist weaved curiosity into the interview. Soon I began to notice something interesting. Over the course of the conversation, the interviewer took a back seat and I was focused on the other person and their story-I almost forgot the interviewer was in the room.
The interviewers had to be ok with backing down and allowing the other person to come alive. The ego sure can get in the way of being curious, especially in this current age of "self obsession.
Conversation is becoming a lost art in the land of tweets and twitter. It's time bring curiosity back, dust it off and learn "conversation" all over again.
Let me explain. Huell travels up and down the state and discovers some of California's unique and eccentric places like lighthouses, Emu farmers and artisans who make things out of broken glass.
One episode, Huell visited a man who creates "deco art" using recycled glass. I was listening to the conversation with amazement and I got the sense that Huell sincerely cares about this guy and his broken glass.
Curiosity is hard to develop, especially if the topic is of no interest. I mean how excited can one get about wall paper design? But being curious requires me to really listen and enter another persons world with empathy.
Curiosity softens my "self certainty" about life and increases my ability to see life with a sense of "wonder." So I became "curious" watching Huell work his magic in getting people to open up about what I thought was mundane topics.
I went on to "youtube" and I watched closely how the great interviewers like Huell Howser, Jack Paar, Brian Lamb and Roy Firestone brought a person to life.
I listened to how each of these conversationalist weaved curiosity into the interview. Soon I began to notice something interesting. Over the course of the conversation, the interviewer took a back seat and I was focused on the other person and their story-I almost forgot the interviewer was in the room.
The interviewers had to be ok with backing down and allowing the other person to come alive. The ego sure can get in the way of being curious, especially in this current age of "self obsession.
Conversation is becoming a lost art in the land of tweets and twitter. It's time bring curiosity back, dust it off and learn "conversation" all over again.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
God Is...
"God is"
This is the genesis of the believers faith.
God is the initiator of making himself known-God revealed himself to me-I cannot reveal myself to Him.
No human endeavor-no belief-no philosophy-no theology-no political party can claim God-"God is. "
Theology is thinking God's thoughts AFTER Him not the other way.
God is separate from all works of man-God is not in the Tower of Babel, the Golden Calf or any shrine or temple-"God Is."
God cannot be scientifically studied, analyzed, rationalized, categorized or put in any box.
He is a covenant God and we, a covenant people-God with us-"Emmanuel"
God reveals His covenant with us in the creation-in covenant with Israel-in the incarnation-in the cross and subsequent resurrection-and He will reveal Himself at the consummation.
God is the incarnate God-God took on human form and walked among us-in Christ Jesus-"God is."
And we who are found "in Christ Jesus" are in right standing with God-we answered YES to His covenant
"God is"-this is where I walk in faith and along the way God reveals Himself to me.
"God Is."
This is the genesis of the believers faith.
God is the initiator of making himself known-God revealed himself to me-I cannot reveal myself to Him.
No human endeavor-no belief-no philosophy-no theology-no political party can claim God-"God is. "
Theology is thinking God's thoughts AFTER Him not the other way.
God is separate from all works of man-God is not in the Tower of Babel, the Golden Calf or any shrine or temple-"God Is."
God cannot be scientifically studied, analyzed, rationalized, categorized or put in any box.
He is a covenant God and we, a covenant people-God with us-"Emmanuel"
God reveals His covenant with us in the creation-in covenant with Israel-in the incarnation-in the cross and subsequent resurrection-and He will reveal Himself at the consummation.
God is the incarnate God-God took on human form and walked among us-in Christ Jesus-"God is."
And we who are found "in Christ Jesus" are in right standing with God-we answered YES to His covenant
"God is"-this is where I walk in faith and along the way God reveals Himself to me.
"God Is."
Saturday, February 5, 2011
First Understand-Then be Understood
The 5th habit of Stephen Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" says "Seek first to understand then be understood." Our conversations would be more meaningful if we nurtured this habit.
Consider this common situation: Two people communicating and both want to be understood at the same time-so no one is understood. I walk away from this type of exchange unsatisfied and not really learning anything about you. Covey calls this interaction "dialogue of the deaf."
The way we communicate today, I can tell you, we are not suffering from a deficiency in "getting our point across." We prefer monologues to dialogues. Watch any of the reality shows and you'll see people obsessed with getting there point across.
But under this obsession of "attention seeking" and "self grandiosity" is a silent cry of people truly wanting to be understood. Underneath the narcissistic noise I hear the cry "please understand me."
My natural inclination is to be understood first-then, if I have time, to understand you. So I've set out to reverse this "dialogue of the deaf" in my own interactions.
The first thing I needed to do was develop my listening skills-I mean to "actively listen" or as Carl Rogers would say "to listen unconditionally with empathy." This is a type of "deep listening" which requires discipline.
It's not just the words I'm listening to, but the meaning behind the words. When I listen with empathy, I am trying to understand life as you see it-to walk in your shoes. And as I begin to listen this way, I start out by understanding your point of view-your experience.
To "understand first" opens up the conversation to a deeper and meaningful conversation. At first this approach feels unnatural but as you practice "empathic listening" you're conversations becomes deeper and more meaningful.
We all desire to be understood so give someone the gift of "understanding" in your next conversation.
Consider this common situation: Two people communicating and both want to be understood at the same time-so no one is understood. I walk away from this type of exchange unsatisfied and not really learning anything about you. Covey calls this interaction "dialogue of the deaf."
The way we communicate today, I can tell you, we are not suffering from a deficiency in "getting our point across." We prefer monologues to dialogues. Watch any of the reality shows and you'll see people obsessed with getting there point across.
But under this obsession of "attention seeking" and "self grandiosity" is a silent cry of people truly wanting to be understood. Underneath the narcissistic noise I hear the cry "please understand me."
My natural inclination is to be understood first-then, if I have time, to understand you. So I've set out to reverse this "dialogue of the deaf" in my own interactions.
The first thing I needed to do was develop my listening skills-I mean to "actively listen" or as Carl Rogers would say "to listen unconditionally with empathy." This is a type of "deep listening" which requires discipline.
It's not just the words I'm listening to, but the meaning behind the words. When I listen with empathy, I am trying to understand life as you see it-to walk in your shoes. And as I begin to listen this way, I start out by understanding your point of view-your experience.
To "understand first" opens up the conversation to a deeper and meaningful conversation. At first this approach feels unnatural but as you practice "empathic listening" you're conversations becomes deeper and more meaningful.
We all desire to be understood so give someone the gift of "understanding" in your next conversation.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Keepin it Real
I tweet! On Twitter that is.
I can condense a thought into 140 characters-not bad. Twitter is not for the "chatty Cathy" types. I also do "Facebook" and can post an incoherent opinion in 420 characters. As I sit here in my favorite bagel place, I see about 7 other people tweeting or facebookin' or having some type of e-Conversation on their fancy iPads, laptops or Blackberry's.
We are so connected yet, at times, we're so alienated from one another. Now don't get me wrong, I like the new stuff. I'm a boomer and I tweet with the best of the Gen Xrs' or Millennials'. And Facebook has connected me with people I may never see again this side of heaven, so I am thankful.
But are we loosing something here? One cannot be "Together" online. This is a new phenomenon in which we give up intimacy for a virtual relationship. I want to balance my eChats with the timeless intimacy of relational "togetherness" that only takes place in the face to face-physical presence of the other-something we miss in our eWorld.
I'm Keepin it real and enjoying my eFriends at the same time. We could do both and be real.
I can condense a thought into 140 characters-not bad. Twitter is not for the "chatty Cathy" types. I also do "Facebook" and can post an incoherent opinion in 420 characters. As I sit here in my favorite bagel place, I see about 7 other people tweeting or facebookin' or having some type of e-Conversation on their fancy iPads, laptops or Blackberry's.
We are so connected yet, at times, we're so alienated from one another. Now don't get me wrong, I like the new stuff. I'm a boomer and I tweet with the best of the Gen Xrs' or Millennials'. And Facebook has connected me with people I may never see again this side of heaven, so I am thankful.
But are we loosing something here? One cannot be "Together" online. This is a new phenomenon in which we give up intimacy for a virtual relationship. I want to balance my eChats with the timeless intimacy of relational "togetherness" that only takes place in the face to face-physical presence of the other-something we miss in our eWorld.
I'm Keepin it real and enjoying my eFriends at the same time. We could do both and be real.
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