Improving your conversation skills by cultivating curiosity

People love to tell their story-if only we would listen.

Huell Howser, who passed away recently, hosted a public television program called "California Gold, " he had a wonderful skill of getting people to tell their story.

He would travel around California and discover some of the states unique places and people, like Emu farmers and artisans who made things out of recycled goods.

Howser was a master conversationalist who cultivated the conversational skill of 'curiosity.' This genuine 'curiosity' was displayed in all his interactions.

Curiosity is taking an active interest in another person in a non possessive way. Being genuinely curious, Huell would ask a question and then get out of the way.

In an L.A. Times expose after his death, his assistant Ryan Smith said this about his boss, Huell "always wanted to be seen as a storyteller, and never wanted the story to be about him.

The above statement reminds me of a G.K. Chesterton quote: "how much larger your life would be if your 'self' were smaller in it."  

I will know that curiosity and empathy has produced fruit, if after a conversation, the other person walks away knowing more about themselves rather than me.

Conversations with Howard, Joe and Harry

Howard loves to talk. He will strike up a conversation with anyone at the bagel place I frequent. Howard is a regular, like me. 

Many people respond to Howard's intrusiveness because it's the polite thing to do. But I also notice that some people want to find the nearest exit.

I have heard his story many times: He is a 75 year old cancer survivor and widower. He lost his wife to cancer several years ago and now lives on a very limited income. He has a girlfriend name Luz, a 50 year old divorcee with 2 kids.

He went to UCLA were he obtained a BS in Business. He's in the vitamin and supplement industry-that's what he's pitching to me today. I tell him it's a multi-level marketing scheme and he bristles at the thought.

I must confess, I cringe when I see Howard walking over to my table because I know he's going to launch in into a 10 minute summary of the Suzette Sommers book he's reading.

Howard has no clue how he can suck the life out of a conversation-he continues unabated. Some may call him a conversation vampire. I like Howard and don't want to be rude but I don't know exactly how to find an exit strategy. 

During one of  Howard's rants, my mind traveled back to grad school and I began to think of two guy's I read about-Joe and Harry.

Joe Luft and Harry Ingham were two psychologist's who studied personal interactions and self awareness. They developed what is called the Johari (Joe-Harry) window-a four paned "window" that divides self awareness into four categories-Open (Arena)-Blind Spot-Hidden (Facade) and Unknown (The window is illustrated at the bottom).

The window reveals knowledge about ourselves that we are consciously aware of. And it reveals knowledge that others have about us. 

The four panes represent how aware the person is of their behavior, attitude, and interactions:

Open Pane: in this pane the person and others are consciously aware of their behavior, feelings and intentions. Conversation is marked by genuineness, empathy and mutuality. Kind of a nice give and take.

Blind Spot Pane: In this pane, the person is not aware of how he comes across. My friend Howard operates here. The Blind Spot pane is marked by a stiff, unnatural diatribe. The person may believe the exchange is going well without realizing that the other person is feeling put upon.

Hidden Pane: The person who engages others from this pane is aware of things about themselves but does not disclose it. This is appropriate when just meeting someone. Because if you blurt out your deep dark secrets too early-well that is TMI and will scare the other person off.

But the hidden pane can also be an unhealthy place to live. It's where we put on our masks. We hide our true intentions. A conversation in this pane manifests itself as pretentious, defensive and scripted. I don't want to expose my true self so therefore I pay a role. It's exhausting to engage others from this pane.

Unknown Pane: Information in this pane has not reached the conscious level. I may think that something is not clicking, but can't put my finger on it. Sometimes, while engaged in conversation, a thought may trigger an aha moment when information becomes conscious and I become aware.   

Th bottom line is when we are in a conversation we move in and out of these four panes. My goal is to spend most of the time in the open pane where I will have a deep and meaningful interactions.

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Cultivating Curiosity in the Age of Tweets and Twitter

Huell Howser, host of "California Gold" is the only person I know that can get pretty excited about broken glass.

Let me explain. Huell travels up and down the state and discovers some of California's unique and eccentric places like lighthouses, Emu farmers and artisans who make things out of broken glass. 

One episode, Huell visited a man who creates "deco art" using recycled glass. I was listening to the conversation with amazement and I got the sense that Huell sincerely cares about this guy and his broken glass. 

Curiosity is hard to develop, especially if the topic is of no interest. I mean how excited can one get about wall paper design? But being curious requires me to really listen and enter another persons world with empathy.

Curiosity softens my "self certainty" about life and increases my ability to see life with a sense of "wonder." So I became "curious" watching Huell work his magic in getting people to open up about what I thought was mundane topics.

I went on to "youtube" and I watched closely how the great interviewers like Huell Howser, Jack Paar, Brian Lamb and Roy Firestone brought a person to life.

I listened to how each of these conversationalist weaved curiosity into the interview. Soon I began to notice something interesting.  Over the course of the conversation, the interviewer took a back seat and I was focused on the other person and their story-I almost forgot the interviewer was in the room.

The interviewers had to be ok with backing down and allowing the other person to come alive. The ego sure can get in the way of being curious, especially in this current age of "self obsession.

Conversation is becoming a lost art in the land of tweets and twitter. It's time bring curiosity back, dust it off and learn "conversation" all over again.

Keepin it Real

I tweet! On Twitter that is.

I can condense a thought into 140 characters-not bad. Twitter is not for the "chatty Cathy" types. I also do "Facebook" and can post an incoherent opinion in 420 characters. As I sit here in my favorite bagel place, I see about 7 other people tweeting or facebookin' or having some type of e-Conversation on their fancy iPads, laptops or Blackberry's.

We are so connected yet, at times, we're so alienated from one another. Now don't get me wrong, I like the new stuff. I'm a boomer and I tweet with the best of the Gen Xrs' or Millennials'. And Facebook has connected me with people I may never see again this side of heaven, so I am thankful.

But are we loosing something here? One cannot be "Together" online. This is a new phenomenon in which we give up intimacy for a virtual relationship. I want to balance my eChats with the timeless intimacy of relational "togetherness" that only takes place in the face to face-physical presence of the other-something we miss in our eWorld.

I'm Keepin it real and enjoying my eFriends at the same time. We could do both and be real.