You don’t listen to me!

In an age of tweets and twitter, the ability to listen; I mean to really listen, has taken a hit. There are a thousand and one ways to get our message out, and yet we long for that simple person to person connection. 

On any given Sunday, in churches all across the Inland Empire, the pews are filled with lonely people, longing for community.

Influential psychologist and author Rollo May that “communication leads to community which then leads to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.”

We cannot, nor should we, put the technological genie back in the bottle. However, our challenge today, especially as believers, is to nurture community; making connections and re-learning the basic skills of communicating with one another.

Communication involves a lot more than the spoken word. In our world of talking points and diatribes, we are not deficient in getting our point across. It’s the ‘listening’ part we need to prop up.  

And a good place to start is with the 5^th habit of Stephen Coveys ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ which is "Seek first to understand then be understood."

Listening involves understanding what the other person is saying. Our natural inclination is to be understood first-then, if there is time, to understand the other person.

By switching it around and Understanding first, we open up a deeper and more meaningful conversation. At first this approach feels unnatural, but through practice, you cultivate a skill called ‘empathic listening’ or as Carl Rogers would say "to listen unconditionally with empathy.”

It's not just the words you listen to, but the meaning behind the words. When a person listens with empathy, they begin to understand life as the other person sees it; to walk in the others shoes.

We all desire connections with others and to be understood, so give someone the gift of "understanding" in your next conversation. And begin the path of building community.

The invisible person becomes visible

 Picture: Danilo Rizzuti

I am an invisible man. I am a man of substance, of flesh and bone, fiber and liquids - and I might even be said to possess a mind. I am invisible; understand, simply because people refuse to see me. ~ Ralph Ellison

A teenager once told me “the worst thing that can happen to me is to be ignored.” This must feel like the death penalty to ones existence; you walk around in a crowd, ‘invisible’ to others. 

One day, I saw a lady pushing a teenage girl in a wheelchair. As I glanced at the young girl, our eyes caught, she smiled; and then I smiled. In that moment she became visible to me, and I became visible to her.

It is a fundamental human desire for all of us to show others, we exist. The lady, whom I later found out, was the teen’s aunt, said to me; “thank you for making her smile.”

The aunt’s comment made me wonder, how many days pass by, where this girl feels invisible. Just one hello, a smile and an empathic gesture can bring visibility to the other person.

On the outside it appears the ‘invisible’ person may seem to blend in with the crowd, but inside, she feels the crushing blow of loneliness. I cannot not hear it, but the invisible person cries out; “I matter.”

 ‘Invisibility’ are the blinders I wear, when I refuse to see the living, breathing person in the wheel chair, or behind the restaurant counter, or who may look different than me.

But when I give that person ‘visibility;’ I give myself visibility also. Our shared humanity becomes visible. No longer is this person invisible, I see them as an individual, unique in their own way and the blinders that once made this person invisible recede away.

Living ‘visibly’ means I am consciously aware of you, as a person. And even though we may have differences, we are visible to one another. 

What If

Imagine a world of possibilities and the freedom to pursue them. Ask yourself "What if" then begin to fill in the blanks. Dream, hope and move forward.

Here are some of mine:

• What if I could put aside my agenda and understand what you're really saying?
  

• What if I could love the unlovable?
  

• What If I could see life thorough my son's eyes?
  

• What if I lowered my expectations and appreciated what came my way?
  

• What if I could tell you "I love you" without saying words?
  

• What if Jesus spoke to you right now what would he tell you?
  

Every day I want to ask myself one "what if" and then begin the quest to answer the question. These are mine what are some of yours?